Remembering

It's been two years this month since we first learned of Hannah, while still in my womb, missing her lower right leg (we did not find out about her left leg until her birth). I remember it like it was yesterday. Brian and I had arranged for Joshua to stay with his Florida "grandparents" while we traveled the 45 minutes to our doctor's office for our 22 week ultrasound. We had planned on having a lunch date after the appointment to celebrate our sweet baby.

I remember vividly sitting in the ultrasound waiting room feeling nervous...something just didn't feel right to me. But as I sat next to my wonderful husband and looked through magazines, I tried to push back those crazy thoughts. I've always been one to worry needlessly.

As the technician conducted the ultrasound, she shared the exciting news that we were having a baby girl. At one point, I asked if she ever had to share difficult news with expectant mothers. She replied, "Sometimes I do." That small conversation with her proved to be quite ironic. And looking back on those moments, I realize the technician never showed us our baby's feet. She never even commented about her little legs. The technician handled everything with such poise and gentleness that we didn't even sense something was amiss.

Once the ultrasound was complete, we (excited of the news of having a baby girl) walked down the hall to meet with my ob/gyn. When they called me back, I told Brian he could just sit in the waiting room (he was very interested in the magazine he was looking through...it was probably a food magazine :). The nurse took me back to check my blood pressure and weight. At one point she excused herself for a moment. Upon her return, she stated that I may want to have my husband come back to the exam room with me. Hearing this, I became very nervous. I walked out to the waiting room and told Brian they wanted him back there with me. I remember telling him, "I think something's wrong."

We nervously waited in the exam room. Brian remained seemingly calm. But as for me....I couldn't sit still. I stood looking out the window, then sat on the exam table, then stood up again and walked around. What was taking my doctor so long?? I'll never forget those next few moments. My doctor came in and sat on her stool holding the ultrasound results as I nervously sat a few feet away from her on the exam table. She first went through the report sharing the good things....our baby girl's brain looked good, her heart looked good, her lungs looked good... I kept waiting for the word "but..." And then it came...."but she has only one foot." With that my heart sank and the tears came gushing. Brian sweetly held me as we tried to comprehend what we just heard. The rest of the visit is somewhat of a blur. My doctor did ask (knowing what our answer would be but stating that she still had to ask) if we wanted to have an abortion. To this day, my heart aches over hearing those words. Even through the pain of this difficult news, this was our baby...GOD had graciously given us this precious little girl. It hurts to think someone would abort a baby simply because he/she is "different." Before we left the office, they set us up for a Level II ultrasound with a specialist at a nearby hospital to look for any other possible complications with our sweet baby. To our dismay, we had to wait two long weeks before having that ultrasound.

I tried to maintain my composure as we walked down the hallway to the leave the building. But I just couldn't make it. I slipped into a bathroom feeling so sick and nauseous. I just couldn't wrapped my brain around this sudden information.

Brian and I shared very few words after that appointment as we both struggled to comprehend what we just heard. As we sat in a booth at Panera Bread in Gainesville, FL tears flowed from our eyes. Through his tears, Brian slowly lifted a humble prayer, "God, thank You for Your grace." With that we settled on naming our sweet baby girl Hannah which means grace. Hannah in the Bible was a woman of prayer and faith.

The next few months were very difficult emotionally and physically. I cried, I prayed, I asked God why. I knelt beside my bed and read God's Word trying to understand what was happening. There were days when I just didn't have the words to pray....I just sat and cried in God's presence. There were nights when I saw my baby girl in my dreams. Those were difficult nights. There were days when I didn't feel like eating (I later learned that I lost weight during this time, but I'm so thankful my doctor did not make it an issue...she knew I was still trying to process everything). I was grieving for my baby girl.

It's been a long, difficult, blessed journey. I praise God for this beautiful little girl He's blessed us with. I can't imagine life without her. And while we still have difficult days and many unanswered questions....while we still wait to see how her little legs develop...we are forever thankful for this beautiful blessing. Words can't describe the love I have for our sweet Hannah. Words can't describe how she fills my heart with joy.

Thank You, Jesus, for allowing us to take this journey with You and with our sweet baby girl.