"Your face, O Lord, I shall seek"

As I stopped at the stop light of a very busy intersection on the way to church one evening, all I could think about was driving my car into the path of oncoming traffic. I didn't want to live anymore. It was my freshman year of college and I had recently learned of a vicious rumor about me that had been spreading around my small college campus.

I'll never forget the day I first heard of this rumor. It was a beautiful, sunny day and a friend whom I thought truly knew my heart sat me down at a round concrete table just outside my dorm room. I sat heartbroken and speechless as he told me that others were saying I had been involved with a married man, and then tears gushed as he stated he believed those horrible words that were being spoken of me. Still today, I fear verbalizing this rumor for fear that someone may again think it as truth (but God has given me this testimony to share). My heart was broken to hear these painful and such false accusations. And my heart was completely crushed to know that those whom I thought knew my heart and knew my love for the Lord actually believed this horrible rumor. I sat in complete despair wanting to end my life because of the evil words spoken by those who claimed to be believers in Jesus Christ. Yet! God brought me out of my despair. I'm very grateful for His amazing grace and protection and the love and compassion of family and friends He brought into my life. (And the rumor is somewhat humorous, I guess, considering the first and only man I've ever kissed is my husband and that was not until we were engaged!) Over the years, God has allowed me to help teenage girls going through similar situations. For that, I am also very grateful.

It's now very clear to me why God says in His Word that gossip is a sin (Roman 1:28-32). It's now very clear to me why God says in His Word that the tongue cannot be tamed...that the tongue is "full of deadly poison" (James 3:8). The words we say TO others, the words we say OF others, and the words we choose to listen to FROM others are extremely powerful. Our words can build someone up with love and encouragement or tear someone down in a mere second. The old saying that "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is a complete lie. I wanted to take my own life because of a few words uttered by others. It took just moments for this rumor to be spoken and spread, yet those moments impacted my life forever.

After 14 years I can now say that I've truly forgiven those that spread that rumor, yet after 14 years their words still hurt. Forgiveness does not take away the pain nor the memories. And today, I again find myself in a situation where others are saying very hurtful things. Yet this time, the hurtful words spoken by others are words concerning my family. Like that of a mother bear protecting her cubs, I'm finding my claws coming out and my sharp teeth protruding as I hear more and more of these painful words spoken of my family. My family tries desperately to live our lives with integrity to glorify our God. Yet, we are not perfect and have never claimed to be. While we may be a pastor's family, we are sinners and we are human just like everyone else. There is nothing special about us other than the Lord, Jesus Christ....and Him alone. We are simply living this life the best we can to tell others about Jesus and to glorify Him.

You'd think after being in church ministry with my husband for over 9 years now, I'd have pretty thick skin and things like this would not bother me as easily. Yet, I'm continually amazed that some of those who say they love Jesus can say and do much more hurtful things than some of those who don't know Jesus at all. (My husband served in a church six years ago where a student reportedly threatened to harm our unborn baby....I was seven months pregnant at the time. I never stepped foot inside that church again!) No matter how mature we "think" we are in Christ, we all have such a long way to grow. No matter how "righteous" we like to "think" we are, we are ALL continually in need of God's amazing grace. No one has yet come to his/her full maturity in Christ. We all still sin. And while I'd like to think that I'm above all this gossip stuff, I still find myself talking about others...even after all this I've experienced. I'm a sinner. Yet God has forgiven me. I pray that I may forgive those that sin against me.

Needless to say, I've really been struggling lately. And to add this painful situation on top of the reality of my daughter's condition, my very sick grandmother, my father who recently had a painful and life changing lawnmower accident, and my mother who is striving to care for her family, my heart is completely broken. As the kids and I attended a children's community activity this morning, a little girl approached my daughter staring at her prosthesis, trying to touch it. Normally, I can handle these situations fairly well, but considering life's recent circumstances, I completely fell apart inside. Sometimes this life just doesn't seem fair.

Yet, I choose to trust in my God. I choose to trust my God's complete sovereignty. I choose to trust my God's love, compassion, forgiveness, and justice. I choose to rest in Him who alone is Truth.

"One thing I have asked of the Lord, that I shall seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to meditate in His temple. For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle; in the secret place of His tent He will hide me; He will lift me up on a rock. And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me; and I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord. Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice, and be gracious to me and answer me. When You said, 'Seek My face,' my heart said to You, 'Your face, O Lord, I shall seek.'" Psalm 27:4-8