Being on bed rest may sound easy to some. Some tell me to enjoy this time of rest...that I'll be thankful for it once Caleb arrives. Some think it would be great to lay around all day. And others think the most difficult part of bed rest would simply be the idea of going stir crazy from being confined to bed. Yet, while I have gotten a little stir crazy (that feeling was so much worse, though, when on bed rest in a small hospital room only having contact with nurses on the rare occasion they entered my room unless family came to visit....ahhh!), that really is the least of my worries.
So much is going through my head and my heart right now. Many women have gone before me on the preterm labor and bed rest journey. I know I'm not alone in my emotions. I know my circumstances are not unique. I know things could be so much worse. I am very thankful Caleb has come this far. Yet, I still find this journey to be difficult, emotional, and draining.
Presently, my bed rest consists of:
*...guilt for the burden I'm placing on my family. They've all been wonderful and haven't complained one bit, but I sense their tiredness and feelings of being overwhelmed (my poor husband). And there's absolutely nothing I can do to help relieve them.
*...anxiety and complete stress over the contractions I continue to have and needing to keep track of them continually throughout the day to ensure I'm still under my threshold along with the fear of needing to be readmitted to the hospital.
*...loss for not being able to care for my children. Caring for my children and home is my job...that's my responsibility. It's difficult having that taken away even for a short time. This time is definitely magnifying the unhealthy need I feel to be in control of things.
*...fear that, if I must remain on bed rest, it will be difficult for me to reenter (and for Caleb to enter for the very first time) the family dynamics.
*...stress over the financial burden of these hospital stays.
* ....and if I'm completely honest, I'm concerned about developing preeclampsia again. Before we became pregnant this third time, I spoke with 4 different ob/gyn's in two different states concerning my medical history and they were all in agreement that it would be just fine for me to have one more biological child. However, with these current complications, I'm getting increasingly nervous about how my body will handle the recovery.
*...and, of utmost importance, concern for sweet Caleb's health. Some have been quick to point out that with the advances in medical technology today, Caleb will be just fine if he comes early. And more than likely, now being 31 weeks pregnant, Caleb will be okay if he comes early. But, he may require time and care in the NICU which my heart just can't bare to think about right now. I don't really allow myself to think that far in advance. Up until a couple days ago, I wasn't even willing to admit aloud that Caleb may in fact come early :)
Bed rest is lonely, yet being a little down emotionally, I don't want many people to be around....it sounds odd and may not make sense to others. It's like a double-edged sword. So here I lie, doing my best to get through each day; not be anxious about my contractions; allow others to care for me, my family and my home; and trust that my God is completely sovereign, right, holy, faithful, and true. For me personally, it's really not as easy as it may sound.
7 comments:
I can't imagine all that you are going through right now. I pray that you feal God's tangible nearness and find yourself clinging to him like never before!
dont minamize this just because others have gone through it. This is unique because its happing to you. No one knows how it feels to be calebs mom and the worry for caleb and the other kiddos, just as others dont know our very personal own struggles with our children with a limb differences-although we can relate to eachother or story is so different. Hugs to you , I cant imagine the emotional pain you are going through. Hugs my friend
A little chocolate might also help!
Love ya, Uncle Keith
I know what you mean about feeling lonely, but yet being down and not wanting others around. For different reasons I am in that spot too. Sending lots of love & prayers your way. This too shall pass, and in the end you'll have a beautiful baby boy in your arms :)
I can't imagine! I hope you find some peace during this difficult time! Thinking about you!
Dear, dear sister, I know of all those concerns! Mine run the same, and even though I am not yet on bedrest fully or having the contractions as severely, the emotional concern and 'knitting of mental wool" worry about all the issues is familiar. Monitoring my blood pressure as well as blood sugars with the insulin is just as nerve wracking. Tom is having to pick up so much more and the kids really don't understand (and mine are a little older than yours). God is good and has a plan in it - maybe it is for them to learn to be more focused on others (like their mom/wife models), maybe it's just showing them how to practically sacrifice, or something none of us can yet see. Dear one and little Caleb, I will continue to pray for you and your fanily that HE will calm your anxieties and comfort your heart. I so wish that I could be near to minister to you directly, but know that from here, I am doing the most powerful thing I have access to and it has more ability to help you than I ever could do in my own strength. I pray Caleb waits a bit longer - he's not completely out of the "woods" yet so to speak, but much better off that 2-3 weeks ago! Every week is HUGE at this point!! Jacob was at 36 - Anastasia at 30. She had a 2 month NICU stay and he just 9 days - BIG difference. Love you so much and pray this trial merely increases the joy at Caleb's birth and homecoming for all the family when HIS time is right.
Angela E.
Thanks for finding my blog, and I've been blessed to find yours! My Joshua Caleb, as you may have read, was preterm, but required a short hospital stay (only a few nights). May God bless this pregnancy, your new blessing, and your willingness to share your faith with others. Life can certainly be challenging, yet what a Savior we have!
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