My Loves

Little Update

We were sent back to the hospital yesterday morning. After a sleepless night of frequent, stronger contractions, I am now dilated 2cm. My doctor could feel sweet Caleb's head. They had entertained the idea of proceeding with the c-section yesterday. But thankfully, they were able to slow the contractions again. Because I had not dilated any further since that morning, they allowed me to come back home last night with the understanding that I need to go to Labor and Delivery when things start back up again. Contractions have started again this morning, just not as strong so hopefully things will subside.

I'm growing increasingly nervous and drained both physically and emotionally. Yet, I'm so, so thankful we've come this far and that Caleb appears healthy and strong (sometimes his kicks and punches make my whole upper body jerk :).

"In the day of prosperity, be happy. But in the day of adversity consider - 

God has made the one as well as the other...." 

Ecclesiastes 7:14 

I hesitate saying this is a time of adversity....more like simply a difficult season. And God has made this season just as He's made the joyful ones (like Christmas ; ). We find much comfort in the fact that our God is sovereign and true. So, we press on.

 

Not As Easy As It May Sound

Being on bed rest may sound easy to some. Some tell me to enjoy this time of rest...that I'll be thankful for it once Caleb arrives. Some think it would be great to lay around all day. And others think the most difficult part of bed rest would simply be the idea of going stir crazy from being confined to bed. Yet, while I have gotten a little stir crazy (that feeling was so much worse, though, when on bed rest in a small hospital room only having contact with nurses on the rare occasion they entered my room unless family came to visit....ahhh!), that really is the least of my worries.

So much is going through my head and my heart right now. Many women have gone before me on the preterm labor and bed rest journey. I know I'm not alone in my emotions. I know my circumstances are not unique. I know things could be so much worse. I am very thankful Caleb has come this far.  Yet, I still find this journey to be difficult, emotional, and draining.

Presently, my bed rest consists of:

*...guilt for the burden I'm placing on my family. They've all been wonderful and haven't complained one bit, but I sense their tiredness and feelings of being overwhelmed (my poor husband). And there's absolutely nothing I can do to help relieve them.

*...anxiety and complete stress over the contractions I continue to have and needing to keep track of them continually throughout the day to ensure I'm still under my threshold along with the fear of needing to be readmitted to the hospital.

*...loss for not being able to care for my children. Caring for my children and home is my job...that's my responsibility. It's difficult having that taken away even for a short time. This time is definitely magnifying the unhealthy need I feel to be in control of things.

*...fear that, if I must remain on bed rest, it will be difficult for me to reenter (and for Caleb to enter for the very first time) the family dynamics.

*...stress over the financial burden of these hospital stays.

* ....and if I'm completely honest, I'm concerned about developing preeclampsia again. Before we became pregnant this third time, I spoke with 4 different ob/gyn's in two different states concerning my medical history and they were all in agreement that it would be just fine for me to have one more biological child. However, with these current complications, I'm getting increasingly nervous about how my body will handle the recovery.

*...and, of utmost importance, concern for sweet Caleb's health. Some have been quick to point out that with the advances in medical technology today, Caleb will be just fine if he comes early. And more than likely, now being 31 weeks pregnant, Caleb will be okay if he comes early. But, he may require time and care in the NICU which my heart just can't bare to think about right now. I don't really allow myself to think that far in advance. Up until a couple days ago, I wasn't even willing to admit aloud that Caleb may in fact come early :)


Bed rest is lonely, yet being a little down emotionally, I don't want many people to be around....it sounds odd and may not make sense to others. It's like a double-edged sword. So here I lie, doing my best to get through each day; not be anxious about my contractions; allow others to care for me, my family and my home; and trust that my God is completely sovereign, right, holy, faithful, and true. For me personally, it's really not as easy as it may sound.