Your Fame

Our Caleb

2012-01-11T10:31:00.016-05:00

(Warning: this post is quite lengthy :)

I awoke that Tuesday morning feeling light headed, dizzy, and simply not feeling right. Since I had preeclampsia (a pregnancy related condition with symptoms that include high blood pressure, low platelet count, and issues with ones liver and kidneys that can lead to seizures) with my previous two pregnancies, I asked my dad to drive me to the pharmacy so I could check my blood pressure. Sure enough, it was high. I placed a phone call to my doctor's office and was told to go to the hospital (a routine I was all too familiar with).

After 2 days in the hospital monitoring my blood pressure, contractions, our sweet Caleb's heart rate and other various tests, my doctor sat with me and explained that I had, again, developed preeclampsia. At the moment, it was just a mild case, but she was admitting me to the hospital to remain on bed rest and to be monitored for 2 weeks. At that point I would be 37 weeks pregnant and they would then deliver our sweet son, Caleb, via c-section. If, during that two week period, my condition worsened or I went in to labor again, then they would go ahead deliver him at that time. (It was such a blessing that a dear friend from church arrived while the doctor was sharing this news with me...thank you, Katie!)

Brian, after having a very long day at the office and his SUV breaking down and needing to be towed to our mechanic (could the day get any more difficult?), surprised me by coming to the hospital late that night after he got home from work. I had told him he could wait until the morning to come by, but boy am I thankful he didn't listen to me. Not long after he arrived, my contractions began coming every 7 minutes and I dilated to 3 cm. Things were quickly set in motion and I was transferred to labor and delivery.

By 4 AM the following morning, my contractions had become much more intense (holding-on-to-the-bed rail-and-moaning intense). My doctor came in at 7:30 that morning to find me 5 cm dilated. After a flurry of activity, I was wheeled to the operating room. Despite this being my third c-section and there being many familiar and kind faces in the operating room (one of the few benefits of being admitted to the hospital so often throughout this pregnancy was getting to know much of the nursing staff), I was extremely nervous. Just before my doctor began the c-section, I told her I had changed my mind about having this baby :) And, of course being me, I had to remind my surgical technician, Barbie (yes, Barbie), not to leave any surgical tools inside of me (have I mentioned before in this blog that I stress over everything?! :)

After a very difficult pregnancy, 7 weeks on bed rest, and 4 hospital admissions, our sweet Caleb was born weighing 4 lbs. 10 oz. on December 1, 2011 at 8:30 in the morning. He was beautiful. I was able to get in a quick snuggle before they took him to the NICU. The anesthesiologist then asked if I wanted her to give me something to help calm me down. Brian quickly answered with a yes :) The next thing I knew, I was back in my hospital bed in my hospital room....the anesthesiologist had completely knocked me out. I kept waking to my nurse saying, "Tara, you need to breathe." Apparently, the pain meds along with the meds given for preeclampsia affected my breathing. I remember asking the nurse (in my semi-awake state) if I was going to die :) To which she replied with a resounding "no" and a giggle. Will I ever NOT freak out about things!?

Our sweet Caleb remained in the NICU for 2 long weeks. He spent about 24 hrs under the lights to help with his jaundice. The first week in the NICU, he had no interest in eating. He received most of his nutrition through a feeding tube.

Once he began eating like a champ, doctors were ready to let him come home. The night before he was to be discharged, we received a call from the NICU doctor with some difficult news. We had just gotten home from the NICU and had started packing our bags to room in with Caleb that night. They have special rooms for parents to "room in" with their baby the night before discharge to ensure the parents are prepared to care for their little one and their little one is ready to go home. But those plans were quickly cancelled. The doctor told us that Caleb's breathing and heart rate dropped significantly while sleeping and he would, unfortunately, need to stay in the NICU for another 7 days. Research has shown that if a baby can go 7 days without having bradycardia or apnea, then he/she will likely never have another episode. We were devastated.

On our way back to the hospital that night, Caleb had gotten worse. We were met by the doctor to hear that he had another episode where he did not want to breathe at all. They had moved him to a more critical area of the NICU and placed a tube down his throat and into his tummy (to keep air out of his tummy), a nasal cannula giving him room air to encourage him to breathe, and an IV in his foot for IV fluids and antibiotics. Since the bradycardia and apnea episodes came on so suddenly, they were doing blood work to see if he had an infection.

When I first saw our dear Caleb in that condition, I had to walk away. I couldn't bear seeing him like that. After regaining some semblance of composure (thanks to my amazing husband), Brian and I stood by his side...me in tears. Because of the tube down his throat, he was foaming at the mouth and his whimpers broke my heart. The kind nurse allowed me to hold him and snuggle with him for quite a while. My sweet, sweet baby.

When we arrived back at the hospital the following morning, the tube was no longer down sweet Caleb's throat. He still struggled keeping his oxygen levels up, but he looked much more comfortable. His blood work was coming back showing no sign of infection....such a blessing. Just to be safe, they continued the IV antibiotic for 48 hrs.

Caleb remained in the NICU for an additional 7 days....getting stronger everyday. While his stay in the NICU was only 2 weeks, we came to know and love the nursing staff. Not only did they care for our sweet little one, but they cared for Brian and me as well (maybe taking them the birthday cake and donuts had something to do with that :).

We were so blessed to bring our sweet Caleb home on Dec. 16, 2011...just in time for Christmas. He was not strong enough to leave the NICU in a car seat. When tested, Caleb could not get enough oxygen while sitting in that position. So our dear one gets to ride in a car bed until he gets a little stronger (our Hannah wishes she had a car bed, too). Other than that very small issue (and possibly having acid reflux), he is thriving and doing very well at a whopping 7 lbs. 11 oz. and 6 weeks old!!!!!

I am continually in awe that God has given us three amazing children to love and care for. We are blessed beyond words and truly grateful that our sweet Caleb is home and healthy. God has, again, granted us His amazing grace, mercy, and favor. We are so unworthy of His lovingkindness....

2011-11-27T22:13:00.000-05:00

My Loves

Little Update

2011-11-17T10:50:00.008-05:00

We were sent back to the hospital yesterday morning. After a sleepless night of frequent, stronger contractions, I am now dilated 2cm. My doctor could feel sweet Caleb's head. They had entertained the idea of proceeding with the c-section yesterday. But thankfully, they were able to slow the contractions again. Because I had not dilated any further since that morning, they allowed me to come back home last night with the understanding that I need to go to Labor and Delivery when things start back up again. Contractions have started again this morning, just not as strong so hopefully things will subside.

I'm growing increasingly nervous and drained both physically and emotionally. Yet, I'm so, so thankful we've come this far and that Caleb appears healthy and strong (sometimes his kicks and punches make my whole upper body jerk :).

"In the day of prosperity, be happy. But in the day of adversity consider -

God has made the one as well as the other...."

Ecclesiastes 7:14

I hesitate saying this is a time of adversity....more like simply a difficult season. And God has made this season just as He's made the joyful ones (like Christmas ; ). We find much comfort in the fact that our God is sovereign and true. So, we press on.

Not As Easy As It May Sound

2011-11-02T19:30:00.003-04:00

Being on bed rest may sound easy to some. Some tell me to enjoy this time of rest...that I'll be thankful for it once Caleb arrives. Some think it would be great to lay around all day. And others think the most difficult part of bed rest would simply be the idea of going stir crazy from being confined to bed. Yet, while I have gotten a little stir crazy (that feeling was so much worse, though, when on bed rest in a small hospital room only having contact with nurses on the rare occasion they entered my room unless family came to visit....ahhh!), that really is the least of my worries.

So much is going through my head and my heart right now. Many women have gone before me on the preterm labor and bed rest journey. I know I'm not alone in my emotions. I know my circumstances are not unique. I know things could be so much worse. I am very thankful Caleb has come this far. Yet, I still find this journey to be difficult, emotional, and draining.

Presently, my bed rest consists of:

*...guilt for the burden I'm placing on my family. They've all been wonderful and haven't complained one bit, but I sense their tiredness and feelings of being overwhelmed (my poor husband). And there's absolutely nothing I can do to help relieve them.

*...anxiety and complete stress over the contractions I continue to have and needing to keep track of them continually throughout the day to ensure I'm still under my threshold along with the fear of needing to be readmitted to the hospital.

*...loss for not being able to care for my children. Caring for my children and home is my job...that's my responsibility. It's difficult having that taken away even for a short time. This time is definitely magnifying the unhealthy need I feel to be in control of things.

*...fear that, if I must remain on bed rest, it will be difficult for me to reenter (and for Caleb to enter for the very first time) the family dynamics.

*...stress over the financial burden of these hospital stays.

* ....and if I'm completely honest, I'm concerned about developing preeclampsia again. Before we became pregnant this third time, I spoke with 4 different ob/gyn's in two different states concerning my medical history and they were all in agreement that it would be just fine for me to have one more biological child. However, with these current complications, I'm getting increasingly nervous about how my body will handle the recovery.

*...and, of utmost importance, concern for sweet Caleb's health. Some have been quick to point out that with the advances in medical technology today, Caleb will be just fine if he comes early. And more than likely, now being 31 weeks pregnant, Caleb will be okay if he comes early. But, he may require time and care in the NICU which my heart just can't bare to think about right now. I don't really allow myself to think that far in advance. Up until a couple days ago, I wasn't even willing to admit aloud that Caleb may in fact come early :)

Bed rest is lonely, yet being a little down emotionally, I don't want many people to be around....it sounds odd and may not make sense to others. It's like a double-edged sword. So here I lie, doing my best to get through each day; not be anxious about my contractions; allow others to care for me, my family and my home; and trust that my God is completely sovereign, right, holy, faithful, and true. For me personally, it's really not as easy as it may sound.

Home Again :)

2011-10-28T14:26:00.004-04:00

When I told Hannah I was going to see my doctor today, she asked what room I would be in. She thought me going to the doctor meant me staying in the hospital. In fact, she just came in my room and asked why I came back home with Daddy. :) The last two times, my appointments both led to two different hospital stays. So, I packed my bag just in case and left the house with my eyes welling up in tears. I was nervous. I felt as if I was going to seal my fate. I know there are many more horrible things that could happen in life, but being pregnant just so happens to magnify the natural worrier in me (Sorry, Sweetheart).

The good news.....they sent me back home on bedrest!! Yay!!!! My doctor would like to see me once a week until sweet Caleb arrives. I can do that (I've paid them enough money!). I'd be willing to see her everyday for a check-up if it meant staying out of the hospital :) Due to my continued contractions, she does want me to start back on the medication that causes dizziness and headaches....not ideal.

After the appointment, Brian and I took a little detour and had a lunch date (shhhh....don't tell my doc). It was nice to be back in civilization and on a date with my amazing husband. But, it didn't take long for my body to remind me exactly why I was on bedrest. That's okay. There is an end in sight.

I'm so thankful Caleb and I are both safe in our little homes. I may just do a gentle little celebration jig while lying in bed. If you're having a good day, feel free to join me. We can all do a little "good day" jig! :)

(30 weeks and counting!)

Home!!!

2011-10-21T17:58:00.002-04:00

The tests conducted today went very well. Caleb looks great (it appears he already has a head full of hair :), and my condition is stable. They allowed me to return home on bedrest....and I didn't even have to bribe anyone (well, we did give the nurses donuts and coffee, but there were no strings attached :).

Thank you so much for your continued prayers. I will visit with my doctor again next week to see how things are going. I am a little nervous that the contractions will start back up again with full force. The new medication they used to slow things down was only to be given for 48 hours. So I guess the real test will be to see how things go once the medication is out of my system.

But for now, I am so thankful and blessed that Caleb has stayed in his little home.......and I am back in mine. Suddenly, bedrest at home doesn't seem so bad.....

Not What I Had Planned

2011-10-20T12:39:00.005-04:00

Just a quick update....my follow-up appointment Tuesday did not go as well as I had expected, resulting in yet another hospital stay where I still reside. With continued contractions (which doesn't really alarm me...I've been having them for so long that they just seem like a natural part of the pregnancy now) and my cervix continuing to thin (an additional 5mm since Friday) while on bedrest, my doctors are not yet giving me a definitive date as to when I may return home. The contractions have gotten amazingly better since beginning a new medication. And since I took my last dose of the medication this morning, I'm contemplating on lobbying the nurses to encourage the doctors to let me return home on bedrest :)....however, the nurses I've already talked with aren't quite on board with that plan....

Tuesday night was a grueling night on the labor and delivery floor. I think they were afraid sweet Caleb's arrival was imminent. But sweet Caleb remained in his little home and yesterday morning, they moved me to the Antepartum unit which is a very depressing place to be (if I must say so myself). Many women on this floor stay for weeks to months at a time. The nurses are kind, the rooms are very nice and clean, but I'd much, much rather be home on bedrest with my family. I just can't imagine being here much longer than I've already been here. That's definitely NOT in MY plans, so I haven't yet resigned myself to the notion that I may be here for quite some time (yet the nurses keep tenderly shooting down my hopes :).

My doctor has asked for a second opinion, so a Perinatologist will be coming by sometime this afternoon to review my history, talk with me, and give his opinion. Maybe I can lobby him to let me leave tomorrow! Maybe I should ask my husband to bribe him with some cookies. :)

Thank you, in advance, for your continued prayers. They mean so much.

A Little Wrinkle in Our Plans

2011-10-17T20:57:00.013-04:00

There's been a little wrinkle placed in our plans.

During a routine prenatal check-up on Friday, I was sent to the hospital for monitoring and eventually admitted to the Labor and Delivery unit. I had been having quite a few contractions that morning and wasn't feeling well over all. My doctor could tell something may not be right, so she took quick action. Due to a positive Fetal Fibronectin Test (which means, according to some doctors, I have a 50% chance of delivering Caleb within the next 2-3 weeks), an ultrasound confirming my cervix is thin, and contractions 2-10 minutes apart for several hours (until the medication kicked in), I was welcomed to the "Hotel Brandon" (as nurses affectionately called it :) for two nights.

Once the doctor talked with me that first evening of my stay, I felt like the weight of the world had just landed in that hospital bed. While she is a very caring doctor, she wanted to drive home the seriousness of the matter, so her words were blunt and to the point. After she left the room, I just laid there staring out the window trying to comprehend everything as they monitored my contractions for another hour. I must admit, while my body was lying seemingly calm in that hospital bed, every part of me wanted to get up and start throwing things :) I realize many women are told similar words, but I just never realized how heavy that weight would be when hearing them with your own ears. To all those precious women who've been given the difficult news that their baby may possibly come too early, I'm so sorry.

My doctor stated that if Caleb were to come now, there would be major complications. I am now on strict bedrest at least until 32 weeks at which point she may be able to lift a few restrictions. No riding in the car unless going to and from the doctor (sitting up for too long can put added pressure on one's cervix), no driving, no staying home alone with the kids (she even suggested putting Hannah in daycare). I can get up to go the bathroom, eat with the family, or walk to the couch. They gave me steroid shots to help ensure Caleb's lungs are more fully developed in case he comes early, and I am taking medication to try to slow the contractions. She stated that there is a possibility of being readmitted to the hospital and staying there until sweet Caleb arrives.

I try not to linger on the reasons for my bedrest as worry and stress seem to bring on even more contractions (is this medication really working or just giving me major headaches? :). So let me just share about my amazing husband :)...and others that have already blessed our lives.

I've been so worried about Brian. His plate is so full with things at work, writing assignments for Lifeway, preparing for his last Doctoral seminar, and all this while having extreme back pain (which he's going to the doctor for in a few days) and now needing to care for the kids on his own. But he has been more amazing, gentle, and strong than I could have ever imagined. Never once has he shown me the stress he is under (although I know he's under tremendous stress). He has been an amazing rock throughout the last few days. Everytime I called him from the hospital to give him updates throughout my stay, he was always extremely reassuring already figuring out how we were going to manage everything. He realizes stress and anxiety seem to contribute to my contractions, so he's keeping the bedroom calm and as relaxing as possible. He is absolutely amazing with our kids.....loving on them, caring for them, being patient with them, laughing with them (and Joshua and Hannah are absolutely loving their time with Daddy). I wish I could put into words what an amazing servant he has been. My Brian is definitely mirroring the love, servanthood, grace, gentleness, and strength of our Lord and Savior.

He set up this beautiful corner in our bedroom (some friends brought the flowers)...my favorite smelling candle, and he and the kids came home today surprising me with these awesome, soothing lights!

He set up a table by the bed so we could all eat dinner together (the last time I tried to sit at the kitchen table to eat, I began having contractions so he surprised me and organized things for dinner in bed :)

Being that all our family lives out of town, I was very nervous as to how we would manage everything. But that nervousness has subsided. Some sweet friends brought us lunch (and a few frozen meals for the rest of the week) the day I arrived home from the hospital, and another dear friend came to watch the kids so Brian could get my medication from the pharmacy and get a few groceries. Many others have offered to bring food and help where they can. We are also so very blessed that Brian's boss is a dear friend who is allowing Brian to work from home when needed as we navigate the upcoming weeks.

We have divided up the next month or so between my in-laws and my parents who have so graciously offered to stay with us to care for our sweet kiddos and help with household responsibility. I'm so thankful for our families being willing and available to put their own lives on hold, drive 12-15 hours to our home, and help us during this time. That really says a lot about their hearts and willingness to serve when needed. Thank you, parents!!

I am blessed. I am so, so blessed and thankful. God may have different plans than our finite minds can comprehend. But His plans, His direction, His "wrinkles" are always far better than we could ever imagine. So while I pray that Caleb stays in his little home for the full pregnancy, I also pray that God's most perfect will will be done in our lives. We see how He's worked and continues to work in and through our sweet Hannah's differences...we trust that His ways are perfect.

Thank you in advance for your prayers. I will see my doctor again tomorrow, so who knows, maybe some things have changed for the better.....

What A Day!!!

2011-10-05T19:06:00.015-04:00

After four long hours at the mechanic's shop and rental car company this morning (and the shock of how much money we will again be spending to fix one of our vehicles), Hannah and I arrive home with a rental car (after needing to transfer both car seats to two different vehicles while pregnant and trying to be careful enough not to have too many contractions....phew!) just in time to eat lunch before needing to pick Joshua up from school. Upon arriving home from getting Joshua, I receive a statement in the mail from my Ob's office reminding me how much money we still owe for the upcoming birth of our sweet son (yikes!), Hannah has a potty accident on our bedroom floor, Joshua falls on our ceramic tile floor hurting his arm and spilling yogurt all of the floor, Hannah falls and scrapes up her knee pretty well, all the while Hannah is sick with a constant runny nose and horrid sounding cough.....and all this happening within the first hour of us being home.

I quarantined the kids to the couch for a few minutes trying to keep everyone safe from further injury. When I returned, this is what I found....

....sweet Joshua reading his library books and poor Hannah feeling rough enough to fall asleep (She very rarely takes naps anymore. Before I got the camera, she was sitting straight up on the couch fast asleep :)

SO, this is what I gave the kids for dinner tonight. Joshua ate a scrambled egg with his chocolatey cereal. And just for the record, I am not the parent who bought this yummy, sweet cereal for the kiddos :).....

And this was dessert....

Not my best "mom" moment, but chocolate can do wonders for a rough day....

Praying for a better day, yet thankful it wasn't worse (and this sure did make for a fun story to retell :)....

Great News

2011-09-28T13:04:00.000-04:00

Hannah's last appointment at Shriners Hospital went beautifully! They did additional x-rays of both her legs and were very pleased with the results. Her x-rays 6 months ago showed that both her legs were bowing, with her right leg (the one in which she wears the prosthesis) being more severe. Her current x-rays show much improvement. The design of the new prosthesis she received back in March has aided in the straightening of her right leg!! Yay!! We are so excited about this news. This means there is less possibility she will need additional surgery to correct her bowing when she gets older. Unless problems arise, the clinical team does not need to see her back for another year!!!

Additional great news is that Hannah grew taller! Her prosthetist lengthened her prosthesis 1/4 inch. I am so thrilled with this. It may not seem like much, but I'm thrilled anytime she shows signs of getting taller. Because she has Fibular Hemimelia in her left leg as well, that leg will (more than likely) be shorter than it would under "normal" circumstances. So, my heart tends to celebrate with each little sign of growth :)

Our little girl is growing and thriving! I am continually humbled and amazed by God's grace of which we are truly undeserving.

Breathe a Little Easier

2011-08-21T18:37:00.030-04:00

I feel I can breathe a little easier these days. Friday, August 19th, we had our ultrasound with the perinatologist. (A perinatologist is a physician who specializes in caring for pregnant women and unborn babies who have a higher-than-normal risk of complications.) Thank you so much to all who prayed for us and our sweet baby. I woke up that morning a little tense....my hand very stiff in a fist and my jaw sore from sleeping with it closed so tightly. Yet, as I got out of bed and prepared for the morning ahead, I felt such a peace about the day. It can only be explained as a peace from our Savior (as I'm such a worrier by nature). Thank you so much for your encouragement and prayers.

It was a little nerve wracking as the radiology technician quietly took many, many measurements of our baby's bones and vital organs. I tried to read the measurements for myself, looking closely at baby's fibulas since that is where our sweet Hannah is effected. But, of course, I had no idea what I was really looking for :) The physician then came into the room and stated that he saw no concerns whatsoever! He suggested we could come back for one more detailed ultrasound around 32 weeks of pregnancy simply for our peace of mind, but he didn't see it to be medically necessary if we chose not to do so.

Once the doctor stated that our unborn baby appeared healthy, he then began asking quite a few questions about our Hannah. While he sees many different physical conditions in the womb, he had never seen anything quite like Hannah's. He was very interested in her bone structure and how her one little foot appeared. It was a little humorous that we talked so much about Hannah, all the while the appointment was for our unborn baby. But we're very happy to help physicians become more aware of Hannah's condition. Since it is a rare condition, many are unfamiliar with it. In fact, we did not get Hannah's official diagnosis until we took her to Shriners Hospital when she was two weeks old.

I find it difficult at times to put into words exactly how I feel. No one desires for their child to have physical concerns. Yet, I know without a doubt that if God so chooses to bless us with another child who has concerns, He will walk with us, guide us, teach us, and give us the grace we need to navigate the journey. After being blessed with such an amazing little girl in our sweet Hannah, I am truly honored to have her and can't imagine our little family any other way. I'm continually amazed at what God teaches me about Himself through our children, and I look forward to learning more through our newest addition...Caleb :)

The Radiology Technician completely surprised us by showing us this 3D image of our sweet one. Notice his hand behind his head as if in a relaxed position. He looks so much like Joshua here.

I was not at all prepared for the tears that flowed when I saw these two precious little feet. Brian gently reached over and held my hand as we looked joyfully at Caleb's feet and toes. This was an image we were never blessed to see with our dear Hannah.

Father, I am continually amazed by Your grace and mercy. Thank You for being our Rock. Thank You for being our Salvation. Thank You for being our Defender and our Hope. Thank You for our sweet babe, Caleb.

Thinking Back...Hannah's First Steps

2011-08-08T13:25:00.017-04:00

As the date for our level 2 ultrasound is just a couple weeks away, I'm getting increasingly nervous. Although doctors have told me this sweet unborn baby has the same chances of being born without any concerns as any other baby, I'm still nervous. The upcoming ultrasound brings back many emotions of that first ultrasound we had when pregnant with Hannah. Those were such difficult days....difficult months. YET, I'd be sorely remiss to only think on those difficult days and not dwell on the amazing days. Our Hannah has come so far. Not only is she walking (free from that pretty pink brace she first wore on her left leg), but she's running, jumping, climbing, riding her tricycle, dancing....She's an amazing little girl with an amazing big brother who encourages her and challenges her along the way.

Thinking of those very first steps still brings tears of joy to my eyes. Hannah was one and half years old when she took those first steps by herself....only 5 months after her surgery and only 4 months after getting her first prosthetic leg. I'll never forget that day.....

(You may want to pause the music at the bottom of this page so you can hear Hannah's giggles of joy....please excuse my squeals and high-pitched voice of excitement :)

Winter

2011-07-22T14:29:00.003-04:00

Winter....the dolphin that is! Hoping to take the kids to Clearwater,FL one day to see Winter the dolphin. Winter wears a prosthetic tail :)

Unprepared Once Again

2011-07-19T21:51:00.005-04:00

I think I'm prepared...I think I'm prepared...I think I'm prepared....but I'm not.

The other day, Hannah asked me why she was missing a leg. And looking back on that moment, I can now think of a couple of good ways to answer her question, yet, in the moment, nothing came. Nothing other than the fact that I don't want her to be upset with God for how He formed her in my womb. At such a young age, she may not understand the answer that God made her perfectly as she is to bring Him glory. So at that moment, all I could say was, "I don't know, Sweetheart. I just don't know." And I don't know why. Doctors don't know what causes her condition. And we will never fully understand God's sovereignty and plans until we see Him in Heaven. (Oh, what a glorious day that will be.)

As I sat upset with myself for how I failed to answer Hannah, I heard Joshua and Hannah in their room talking....Hannah talking to Joshua about her missing leg. And I heard our most amazing and wonderful son answer his sister with this joyful response, "But when you go to Heaven you'll have two legs."

Words can't express what an amazing little heart our son has. He loves his sister. He is protective of her, loves to play with her (when they're not fighting :), and encourages her in so many ways. He is an amazing young man that I am so privileged to call my son.

Thank You, God, for giving Joshua sweet and encouraging words in a moment when I was silent.

Emotions

2011-07-08T21:16:00.006-04:00

My mind and heart have been heavy yet joyful. When I see a little baby, I just can't wait to hold ours....to hear those little coos, to feel those sweet snuggles, to see that first smile, to watch as baby sleeps. I look forward to having another sweet one in our home. But as a date for our Level 2 ultrasound draws near, I'm getting nervous. We've already seen our sweet one through four regular ultrasounds, but baby has been too young to conduct body measurements and evaluate for health (other than seeing a healthy heartbeat).

I'm praying this sweet one has no concerns physically, mentally, or emotionally, yet I'm praying that God's perfect will be done. To be honest, I struggle in praying for this sweet baby. As I pray that our sweet one has no concerns physically, I feel as though I'm saying I don't love our Hannah for who God created her to be. Sounds silly to a rational mind I know, but I tend to be a little more emotional than rational (just ask my husband....right, Sweetie? ;) I would never want to change anything about our amazing Hannah. God continues to teach me so much through that amazingly courageous, strong, and beautiful little girl. And I'm confident that, if God so chooses to give us another child with special needs, we will love and cherish this sweet one just as much as we do Joshua and Hannah (oh goodness, just thinking about it makes me want to hold our baby even more!!)

May we be prepared for whatever God has in store for this sweet baby and for our family. This little life inside me is precious, fragile, and in God's perfect hands. May I rest knowing that my God is sovereign.

Thank you, Jesus, for blessing us with another life. May we care for all our children with a love that only comes from You. May we rest in You.

Hannah's Toes

2011-06-17T08:00:00.001-04:00

Hannah looked down at her little toes and asked, "Why do I have four toes and Joshua has five?"

I replied the best I knew how at the moment. "God gave you four perfect little toes for your perfect little foot."

Hannah said, "God needs to give me one more toe."

This conversation took place as she sat on the potty. :) I never know when her little heart will be prompted to ask questions about her differences. And no matter how much I try to prepare, I never seem prepared enough. I'm thankful for God's continued grace and an amazing little girl that never seems to skip a beat who has an amazing big brother who loves her and always encourages her. (The other day, as we prepared to go someplace that made Hannah nervous, more than once she asked Joshua if he was going to protect her...so, so sweet :)

Hiatus

2011-06-14T20:20:00.004-04:00

I've taken a hiatus from blogging the past few weeks, but for good reason....we are expecting another sweet baby! I've always been sick during my first trimesters, but this time around has been worse. It's been a very difficult six weeks, but the baby looks really good. He/she has a very strong heartbeat. I could even see him/her moving his head and tiny limbs during the last ultrasound (and that was at 9 weeks pregnancy!). It was amazing. Thank you so much to my parents who spent one month here helping take care of the kids and household chores. And thank you to my amazing husband who is having to be Superdad and Superhusband while I've been under the weather!!

This is considered a high risk pregnancy due to complications I had with my last two pregnancies. However, it is low on the high risk spectrum so my doctors will just watch me a little more closely.

Now that I'm 11 weeks pregnant, I will hopefully begin feeling better very soon. So please continue to stop by and follow our little family!!

"What's In A Name"

2011-05-10T15:20:00.015-04:00

I wanted to take a moment to explain the name of my blog. Not knowing the history behind it, the title "Your Fame" may sound a little odd.

After our daughter, Hannah, was born with a rare leg condition in both of her legs, we really had no idea what to expect for her future. We didn't know what surgeries she may need, how she'd learn to walk or ride a bike, how she'd adapt to wearing a prosthetic leg, whether or not her "good" leg would need to be amputated...There were so many questions and uncertainties.

(Hannah at birth)

From the time she was a tiny baby (she weighed just under 5 lbs. when we brought her home from the hospital) I rocked and cuddled with her as often as I could. I wanted to protect her as much as I could from what may lie ahead. As I cuddled with her, my heart ached, worries and fears filled my mind, yet a song began to fill my heart...and when it was just Hannah and me alone, this is the song I would sing:

Jesus, Lover of My Soul (It's All About You) by Paul Oakley

It's all about You, Jesus
And all this is for You
For Your glory and Your fame (Italics mine)
It's not about me
As if You should do things my way
You alone are God and I surrender to Your ways

Jesus, Lover of my soul
All consuming fire is Your gaze
Jesus, I want You to know
I will follow You all my days

For no one else in history is like You
And history itself belongs to You
Alpha and Omega, You have loved me
And I will spend eternity with You

(2-3 Months Old)

I sang this song over and over and over as I held sweet little Hannah in my arms until she closed her eyes to sleep. I prayed these words over her wanting God to draw this precious girl to Himself to bring Him glory. I prayed my heart would truly surrender to His ways, because I did not understand His ways in forming Hannah as He did in my womb. At times, I know I sang this song hoping what I felt in my heart would align with what I knew in my head was to be True about my Savior...that no one else in history is like Him...that this life belongs to Him...that He is the Alpha and Omega....

In a sense, singing this song over my sweet one was challenging and encouraging to me all at the same time. Today, I still sing this song to Hannah at times. She knows it's the song I sang to her as a baby. I'm amazed, humbled, blessed, and overwhelmed to see how God has brought us (and continues to bring us) through this journey. In some respects, this will be a lifelong journey, but I can't imagine life any other way. Our prayer is that God will use our family (with all our faults) and our little girl with only one foot and four toes to bring Him all the glory and FAME He so richly deserves. Thank you for taking this amazing journey with us.

(Joshua, 3 yrs., Hannah 4-5 mo. old)

(April 2011 at the Children's Museum's FUN Publix exhibit....have I mentioned how much I enjoy Publix? :)

Taking Root

2011-04-11T21:06:00.019-04:00

It's such a privilege and joy watching Joshua grow in his understanding of Jesus. He has such sensitivity toward His Savior. The other day, he came home from school excited to learn that a good friend in his class does attend church. I'm amazed and challenged knowing that at six years of age he thinks to ask his friends if they believe in God and/or attend church. May God continue to work in his heart and draw him to Himself.

It's only recently that Hannah has begun talking more about Jesus. It's wonderful to see God's Truth begin taking root in Hannah's heart and thoughts. As I sat at her bedside the other night, she asked a couple questions about Heaven. I did my best to answer in such a way that her little heart could take hold. After our conversation, she said she wanted to ride with me around Heaven in a pink car. So, I'm not quite sure what she took from that conversation! :)

About one week ago, strong storms and tornadoes came through our part of Florida. As Brian was at work and Joshua at school, Hannah and I took shelter in our pantry (the safest place in our home being that it's in the middle of our house....and I guess being near all the food in case of emergency doesn't hurt either ;). Once the worst of the storms passed, I held Hannah on the couch as we caught our breath from the craziness of the storms. Hannah shared that she was scared, then looked into my eyes and asked the most heartfelt question, "Is God with us?" My heart melted knowing that in the midst of her fear, she thought of Jesus. In her limited understanding of her Savior, she knew He was the One who could protect us. In the midst of her fear, her heart cried out to One she knew we needed (and to her earthly daddy which is a beautiful picture).

As a mother, I continually fall short of how I should love my children and what I should be teaching them. Knowing that God works in my children's lives despite who I am is something that's difficult for me to fathom. I am so unworthy of His amazing grace. May God continue to draw my children to Himself and grow them into men and women that bring Him the glory and fame He so richly deserves. May God Himself take such deep root in my children's lives that nothing and no one even dare lead them astray.

We Finally Got It!

2011-03-29T21:04:00.011-04:00

(This photo was taken at the Shriners Hospital playground where Hannah took her new leg for a test run)

I must warn you, this post does not flow naturally. I was up much of the night with a sick little girl, so I'm having a hard time putting thoughts together in my brain :)

Hannah received her new prosthesis yesterday. She is such an amazing little girl. Physically, she is doing wonderfully with her new leg. She walks so naturally. However, emotionally, she's just not there yet. We were expecting the exact opposite. We thought she'd have a difficult time physically with the transition (as she has in the past). However, despite walking so well in the new leg, she just doesn't want to wear it (it fits differently than any prosthesis she's had in the past). We're walking a somewhat fine line between getting her used to wearing the new prosthesis yet not wanting her to resent it. With time, I know she'll get there...I guess she'll have to else she'll be crawling everywhere ;)

I wish I could articulate the joy in my heart. We are so blessed with two healthy children, a wonderful community, beautiful surroundings, amazing and caring doctors (that charge us nothing for their services)...but most of all an amazing God who loves us and has forgiven us.

As Moses spoke to all of Israel, he said:

"For the Lord your God is the God of gods and the Lord of lords, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God...." Deuteronomy 10:17

and

"You shall fear the Lord your God: you shall serve Him and cling to Him...He is your praise and He is your God..." Deuteronomy 10:20-21

These are the words that have been on my mind. May God alone be my praise. May I cling to Him. May I serve Him and fear Him. For He IS Lord of lords, God of gods, truly great, mighty, and awesome!

(Hannah is sick with a fever and a cold so I must go sing His praises as I snuggle with the sweet girl He graciously gave us ;)

3rd and Final Fitting!

2011-03-23T12:56:00.011-04:00

Yesterday, Hannah had her 3rd and final fitting for her new prosthesis! Again, I just can't say enough about the care Hannah continually receives at Shriners Hospitals for Children all of which is at no cost to patients and their families. We are extremely blessed.

Earlier that morning, Hannah shared with me that she did not want to get a new leg....she wanted to keep her current leg until she got older. It seems that any time Hannah's prosthetists make an adjustment to her prosthesis or whenever she gets a brand new one, Hannah goes through a difficult time of transition. So when Mr. Bryan (Hannah's new prosthetist) put a new leg on her yesterday, I wasn't too surprised by Hannah's reaction. She whimpered, clung to me, refused to walk, and pleaded to be held. It was heartbreaking. My eyes welled up with tears as Hannah cried and refused to walk for what HAD to have been at least one hour!! But in all actuality, it was only about five minutes (it sure felt like MUCH longer than that) and Hannah was up and walking. :) She's such a trooper. She still wasn't very happy about it, but she was doing it!

This is not yet the final product as you can see the inner workings of the leg. This fitting was to watch Hannah walk and see what adjustments needed to be made to make the prosthesis fit as perfectly as possible for our sweet Hannah. In the pictures, you can see how Hannah pointed the foot inward a little as she walked. Mr. Bryan made a few adjustments to correct that! They really do amazing work. (In the below picture, Mr. Bryan is making an on-the-spot adjustment using a special tool. Other times, he took the prosthesis to the adjacent lab to make adjustments.)

Hannah was also reevaluated for physical therapy. She did a GREAT job. The physical therapist does not believe Hannah needs any additional therapy. She told us a couple things to work with her on at home, but other than that, she was very pleased with Hannah's progress. And Joshua!!! On, what an amazing big brother Joshua is! Hannah was very reluctant to do many of the physical therapy activities, so Joshua did them first to show Hannah how it was to be done. He is such an incredible blessing. Between Joshua's help and bribing Hannah with m&m's, she completed the majority of the activities. And after such great work, both Joshua and Hannah left that therapy session with toys given to them by the physical therapist!! :)
(In the below picture, Mr. Bryan is measuring and tracing Hannah's left leg so they can try to make her right prosthetic leg as close to the the same measurements as possible. She is holding the new Barbie doll the physical therapist had just given her! :)

Hannah is scheduled to receive her new leg next Tuesday!! We are all very excited (well, I don't know about Hannah, but I am :)!!!!!

New "Leg Doctors" :)

2011-03-09T08:46:00.012-05:00

Monday, Hannah met her new "leg doctors" here in Florida. We are extremely blessed by Shriners Hospitals for Children. I can't say enough wonderful things about the work they do and the care they give.

We were very pleased with how the appointment went. They took quite a few x-rays of Hannah's legs, foot, and hips. That was probably the worst part for Hannah....she is extremely frightened of laying on "the table" to get x-rays taken :)

Her right leg is already showing signs of valgus (her lower leg growing out to the side in an angle). If her leg continues to grow in this way, she will need additional surgery to straighten that leg as valgus can cause problems with wearing a prosthesis. We knew from the beginning of her diagnosis that this could occur, so it wasn't new news to us. It sounds as if the surgery will not be horribly invasive.

Her left leg looks really good. We were surprised to see in the x-ray that her fibula is much longer than we originally thought. It is still not a complete fibula, but we were pleasantly surprised by its length.

Hannah has outgrown her current prosthesis. They made a cast of her leg and, over the next couple of weeks, they will be making her a new prosthetic leg!! We go back once a week for the next couple of weeks to have additional measurements and evaluations done. If all goes well, her new leg will be ready in about 3 weeks! During this time, they will also be evaluating Hannah to see if she needs additional physical therapy to help with her gross motor skills.

On another note, a sweet girl (who also wears a prosthetic leg) heard about Hannah

being sad concerning her legs and she sent Hannah the following letter. Isn't this extremely sweet and kind??!!?? It brought tears to my eyes!

Working Through Life's Challenges

2011-02-04T21:18:00.011-05:00

It's so difficult hearing your three-year-old child tell you she doesn't like part of who she is. As I bathed Hannah the other night, she said through her tears that she did not like her right leg (this was the third time in the span of only a few days that she mentioned she didn't like her leg). She stated she wanted two legs like Joshua's legs. My heart breaks hearing those words come for her mouth. I knew at some point we'd be having a conversation such as this, but I was not at all prepared for this conversation to come at such a young age.

I gently reminded Hannah that God created her beautifully just as she is so that she could tell others about Jesus. But as soon as those words exited my mouth, fear entered my heart. I don't want her to be angry at God for forming her legs as He did. I must walk a delicate balance between giving her the understanding that God formed her as she is and giving her a grateful heart toward her Creator....not a resentful heart for how she was formed.

Then, a sweet friend (whose daughter has a prosthetic leg due to a lawn mower accident) reminded me that it is good, right, and fitting to allow Hannah to grieve concerning her legs. It is good, right, and fitting to allow Hannah to express her feelings concerning her differences and difficulties. I needed that reminder. I needed to be reminded of the grief I felt for months during my pregnancy after we were told of Hannah's missing right leg. I needed to be reminded of the grief I experienced upon learning of the complications in her left leg after she was born. I still grieve for her "loss" at times. And so, it is good, right, and fitting for Hannah to grieve as well. Scripture clearly shows men and women after God's heart who grieved, and God welcomed their grief, their hearts. Hannah needs a safe place to express her frustrations and sadness, and it will be my honor to be that place for her and to point her toward Jesus in the midst of her grief.

May God draw her to Himself. May God grace her heart with joy, peace, and love. May God be her hiding place and shelter.

(Thank you, Kari, for your amazing encouragement and wisdom)

......

2011-01-28T22:18:00.003-05:00

After a fun night playing with new friends, Hannah complained of her leg hurting when she walked. She asked Daddy to take her prosthesis off and then she made a comment she's never really made before.....she said she wanted her legs to be like Joshua's when she got older. My heart broke and is still breaking. That was so very hard to hear....

Home, Sweet, Home

2011-01-19T12:44:00.005-05:00

Blessed. Peaceful. Unworthy. Content. Joyful. My heart overflows. To think about where God had us for the past two and half years and to see where He's brought us now, feels like He has delivered us from the wilderness.

One week before Christmas, we packed up our little family (thanks to grandparents and dear friends who impacted our life greatly) and moved back to Tampa, FL. Brian and I lived in Tampa when we were first married, so it feels almost like coming home. Every day I wake up in this new home God has graciously given us, I feel so unworthy and blessed. The imagery of leaving the dreary, cold winter days of Kentucky and entering the beautiful, sunny winter days of Florida truly represents our lives over the past few years. We were blessed to persevere, by God's grace, through the difficult days, and we are so blessed to experience the sunshine again.

Thank You, Father, for all that You've taught us. Thank You, Father, for Your amazing grace and mercy. We feel so blessed that You carried us through some of our most difficult days and have delivered us again to peace and joy. May we never take for granted all that You've done for us. May we never take for granted all that You've given us. May we never take for granted who You are. I love You.

Convicted and Humbled

2010-11-29T20:36:00.004-05:00

It's been a mix of crazy emotions the last year or so...even more so the last couple of months. But God continues to sprinkle my difficult days with such joy and amazement.

Joshua met a little boy last year in his preschool class and they are still great friends. This little boys' parents have become our friends as well which is such a blessing and a joy. We've talked with Joshua quite often about our need to love on this family especially since we weren't sure if they knew Jesus. We've talked about how our actions can show them how much Jesus loves them and we've talked about our need to verbally tell them about Jesus.

We had this sweet family over to our home the other day. As I peaked my head into Joshua's room where he and his friend were playing, I heard Joshua ask him, "Do you believe in Jesus?" I think my heart stopped beating for a moment out of shear joy and awe upon hearing my son ask his friend the most important question of all. Later that night, Joshua told us that his friend said he did not believe in Jesus which caused Joshua much concern. As we talked through things, he said that sometimes he just doesn't know how to tell his friend about Jesus so we discussed possible ways to do that. He wanted to be sure we didn't forget to tell this sweet family about our amazing God.

I was convicted that night as I had not yet found an opportunity to talk to his friend's mother about Jesus (I since have done so). I was humbled in thinking through possible ways to share Jesus with this family when I find that to be difficult at times myself. I was convicted that night to hear Joshua's urgency in wanting to be sure we never forgot to share Jesus with our friends.

I'm simply in awe of this amazing little boy God has blessed us with. He seems to have such insight and tenderness far beyond his years. I look forward to teaming up with our amazing son to find ways to share Jesus with others...wherever God plants us!

Worried?

2010-10-28T21:47:00.003-04:00

"Why are you worried?" Joshua asked in such a sweet, innocent voice.

Joshua and I were having a conversation about him wearing a Halloween costume to school the next day. It's been a silly week at school....there was a day set aside to wear their favorite hat, a day to dress crazy, a day to wear camo...this was to be the day to wear their costumes. The only problem is that not many kids or teachers have participated in wearing these items. So on the day they were to wear something crazy, some kids laughed at Joshua's shirt which upset him a little. As I reminded him how he felt that day (trying to DIScourage him from wearing his costume to school the following day), he replied, "Well, maybe I'll just forget [if they laugh]".

I'm encouraged by his thinking and his heart. We still haven't decided what to do regarding his costume (sounds so silly, I know), but I am sitting here somewhat in awe of his sweet, tender, profound question. "Mama / Tara, why are you worried?" I can just hear Jesus whispering to me tonight. My heart has been so consumed with fear, worry, and anxiety throughout these last 3-4 years. Not all of it has been difficult, there have been many wonderful, joyful, peaceful moments scattered throughout these past years. But, the central theme of fear, worry, and anxiety has been extremely prevalent (just ask my husband ;).

Why am I so fearful? The God I worship and strive to glorify today is the same God that brought forth water from a rock and moved the ocean to create dry land to save His people. Why am I so worried? The Savior I love and seek to tell others about is the same Savior that willfully died on the cross and rose again in His glorified body. Why am I so full of anxiety? The God I strive to always trust is the same God that says in His Word, "...do not be worried about your life....for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things [speaking of clothing and food but can be applied to other aspects of life as well]. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:35-34)

So, the question stands....why is my heart so worried?

God, please help me to trust You more with each passing day. I know You alone are sovereign. And while I may not understand these circumstances, may my focus be to glorify You through whatever the circumstance so that others may come to know You, and You alone are glorified.

2010-10-25T11:08:00.004-04:00

It is a tremendous blessing being a part of Joshua learning about Jesus. My heart melts when he asks me questions about Jesus, Heaven, and the Bible. He has such a tender, loving heart and our prayer is that he will grow up to be a young boy, a young man, who loves Jesus with all his heart and chooses to joyfully obey Him.

While in Florida a few weeks ago, Joshua wrote this message ("Jesus, He is good") on the paper covering the restaurant table. I helped a little with sounding out the words, but this was a message on his little heart that he desired to put on paper. Prayerfully, someone who didn't know Jesus, saw His amazing Name that day. Jesus...He truly is good.

Beauty

2010-10-12T14:27:00.015-04:00

We traveled to Florida on business last week and had such a blessed time. We were able to take the kids to the beach one morning, and goodness did they have a blast! God's glory was truly evident in the beauty of the ocean and in the laughter and smiles of our sweet ones.

shew!

2010-09-28T20:55:00.005-04:00

Today, I became "that" mother whose child was having a COMPLETE meltdown in WalMart....(sigh)........

"Pretty"

2010-09-21T11:30:00.005-04:00

As Hannah played with the other children during story time at the library this morning, another little two year old girl pointed to Hannah's prosthesis then looked at me and said with a smile, "Leg?....Pretty." My heart melted and I just wanted to give that little girl lots of hugs and kisses (but thought that may be inappropriate as I don't really know her ;). What a blessing and encouragement that little two year old was to me this morning. Yes, Hannah's legs are beautiful...Hannah is beautiful....her heart is beautiful....we are truly blessed.

Pure Sweetness

2010-08-28T14:03:00.003-04:00

This is how our conversation went one night at bedtime:

Mama: Hannah, let's pray together. [We pray.] Amen.

Hannah: I want to see God.

Mama: I know, Sweetheart. We will one day.

Hannah: No, see God in five days....because, Hannah cries for Jesus.

Oh, how my heart melts when I hear my children talk of Jesus. Such sweet innocence and pure trust. May their hearts continue to cry out for Jesus. And, may my heart be softened to cry out for Jesus just as the heart of a child.

One day....

2010-08-14T11:13:00.006-04:00

In the past, Brian and I have talked with Joshua about how (if Hannah asks Jesus to be her best friend) Hannah will have two perfect legs in Heaven, and when Papaw goes to Heaven he'll get his fingers back. This explanation seemed to really resonate with Joshua.

I love to quietly listen in on Joshua and Hannah when they're playing by themselves, and occasionally, I'll hear Joshua remind Hannah that when she goes to Heaven, she'll "get her leg back and Papaw will get his fingers back." It truly warms my heart to hear Joshua talk with Hannah about Heaven. He has such a sweet and tender heart. He's an amazing big brother. We all look forward to the day when we see Hannah running and jumping on streets of gold with two completely perfect legs and Papaw praising Jesus with all his fingers intact. While I truly believe Hannah's legs are beautiful and perfect just as God formed them here on Earth and for His glory, God's Word tells us that, in Heaven, we will be given new, perfect, glorified bodies lacking nothing. What a day that will be! God's grace is truly amazing.

Hannah's Update

2010-07-10T21:54:00.013-04:00

Hannah's last appointment at Shriners Hospital for Children went very well. There is a possibility she will have x-rays of her right leg done during her next appointment in December. This would be done to look at the bone where they amputated to ensure it isn't growing a spike which can become quite painful. Other than that, things still look good. They're just keeping an eye on the development of both her little legs.

We were so pleased to hear that Hannah had gotten taller! Instead of making her a new prosthesis, they were able to simply add a little length to her existing one. The gentlemen that lengthened her prosthesis amazed me. We had never met him before and I, regretfully, never caught his name. This gentlemen had only small stubs for fingers on his left hand. His right arm was not fully formed and his right hand did not appear functional. Yet, the gentleman lengthened Hannah's prosthesis and then carved out a wooden facade to match the color and shape of her existing prosthesis. I am still amazed by his determination and true skill. Thank you, Mr. Gentleman, for doing such an incredible job with our daughter's prosthesis. Thank you!

Hannah's prosthetist said that while Hannah's prosthesis is not supposed to get wet, we can still just let her be a kid.....let her play in the water puddles....let her wade in the ocean if we go to the beach. SO, I've been letting her run through the sprinkler (can't really do that with just one leg anyway :) and wade in the baby pool (whenever she sees Joshua in the baby pool stomping his feet, she HAS to do the same thing). Yet, this wooden facade thingy they added to her prosthesis has gotten me a little concerned. When it gets wet, the wood becomes extremely pliable (thankfully, it appears to only be a facade and there are mechanical workings actually holding the foot onto the leg). The first time this happened, I quickly took her leg off and tried to dry the wood with a hair dryer! That did not work very well. I now simply let it dry on it's own...she'll be getting a new prosthesis in a few months anyway ;)

As I got Hannah ready for her bath tonight, she looked down at her four pretty little pink toes on her left foot and commented on how pretty they were. She then looked down at her right leg (we had already taken off her prosthesis) and she commented that she had no toes on that leg. She then shrugged her little shoulders with her hands out as if to say "I don't know what happened to those toes." I know there will be many difficult moments to come as she tries to understand her little legs. May we have the grace and truthfulness to explain to her that God formed her in my womb perfectly just as she is and that we were all created for His glory. May she fully and joyfully accept her condition knowing that her Savior is soveriegn. May our sweet Hannah (and Joshua) love God with all her heart and seek to glorify Him in all things....including her little legs.

Quick Escape

2010-07-03T15:26:00.003-04:00

I'm finding it quite funny that ever since we've been blessed with children, I search for the best place to sit in church that offers the quickest escape route. Do any mothers echo this plan? I search for the one seat in the house that gives me the best opportunity to rush out of the sanctuary when one of my kiddos has a meltdown or needs to use the restroom or the nursery pages me to come get my crying child. When we first moved to our current church, Hannah would not stay in the nursery. So there I sat, mostly by myself since Brian is the pastor, with two kiddos, surrounded by new people.......I most definitely needed the fastest escape route. I first sat in one of the back pews, but quickly realized I had sat in "someone else's seat." ;) Thankfully, I was able to find another escape route that was unoccupied.

Do you ever wish it were that easy when you're faced with difficult life circumstances. At times, I wish God would allow a quick, safe, and painless escape route to exit life's challenges. Child born with a rare condition?.....get me the quickest escape route to healing. Difficult relationships?.....what's the quickest escape route to complete restoration? Painful and life changing accident?.....get the me quickest escape route to full recovery. Debilitating illness?....show me the quickest escape route to complete health.

However, God continually amazes me in how He shows me more of Himself through those difficult times. God amazes me with His comfort and peace through those heartbreaking times. God simply amazes me. I'm so blessed to GET the opportunity to learn more about Him. While I'd LOVE to have a quick escape route from life's most difficult challenges, I have a feeling I'd be missing out on learning some pretty awesome things about my amazing God.

Thank you, Father, for Your amazing grace, Your amazing peace, Your amazing forgiveness and love. I know nothing can touch me that's outside of Your will. While I may not understand life's challenges, may I continually put my trust in You alone, for You are sovereign. Thank You, God, for choosing me to be Your child.

(Thank you, friends, for praying for our little family. Your prayers mean so much. As you remember, I humbly ask that you continue to keep us in your prayers. Thank you!)

"Your face, O Lord, I shall seek"

2010-05-25T14:17:00.021-04:00

As I stopped at the stop light of a very busy intersection on the way to church one evening, all I could think about was driving my car into the path of oncoming traffic. I didn't want to live anymore. It was my freshman year of college and I had recently learned of a vicious rumor about me that had been spreading around my small college campus.

I'll never forget the day I first heard of this rumor. It was a beautiful, sunny day and a friend whom I thought truly knew my heart sat me down at a round concrete table just outside my dorm room. I sat heartbroken and speechless as he told me that others were saying I had been involved with a married man, and then tears gushed as he stated he believed those horrible words that were being spoken of me. Still today, I fear verbalizing this rumor for fear that someone may again think it as truth (but God has given me this testimony to share). My heart was broken to hear these painful and such false accusations. And my heart was completely crushed to know that those whom I thought knew my heart and knew my love for the Lord actually believed this horrible rumor. I sat in complete despair wanting to end my life because of the evil words spoken by those who claimed to be believers in Jesus Christ. Yet! God brought me out of my despair. I'm very grateful for His amazing grace and protection and the love and compassion of family and friends He brought into my life. (And the rumor is somewhat humorous, I guess, considering the first and only man I've ever kissed is my husband and that was not until we were engaged!) Over the years, God has allowed me to help teenage girls going through similar situations. For that, I am also very grateful.

It's now very clear to me why God says in His Word that gossip is a sin (Roman 1:28-32). It's now very clear to me why God says in His Word that the tongue cannot be tamed...that the tongue is "full of deadly poison" (James 3:8). The words we say TO others, the words we say OF others, and the words we choose to listen to FROM others are extremely powerful. Our words can build someone up with love and encouragement or tear someone down in a mere second. The old saying that "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is a complete lie. I wanted to take my own life because of a few words uttered by others. It took just moments for this rumor to be spoken and spread, yet those moments impacted my life forever.

After 14 years I can now say that I've truly forgiven those that spread that rumor, yet after 14 years their words still hurt. Forgiveness does not take away the pain nor the memories. And today, I again find myself in a situation where others are saying very hurtful things. Yet this time, the hurtful words spoken by others are words concerning my family. Like that of a mother bear protecting her cubs, I'm finding my claws coming out and my sharp teeth protruding as I hear more and more of these painful words spoken of my family. My family tries desperately to live our lives with integrity to glorify our God. Yet, we are not perfect and have never claimed to be. While we may be a pastor's family, we are sinners and we are human just like everyone else. There is nothing special about us other than the Lord, Jesus Christ....and Him alone. We are simply living this life the best we can to tell others about Jesus and to glorify Him.

You'd think after being in church ministry with my husband for over 9 years now, I'd have pretty thick skin and things like this would not bother me as easily. Yet, I'm continually amazed that some of those who say they love Jesus can say and do much more hurtful things than some of those who don't know Jesus at all. (My husband served in a church six years ago where a student reportedly threatened to harm our unborn baby....I was seven months pregnant at the time. I never stepped foot inside that church again!) No matter how mature we "think" we are in Christ, we all have such a long way to grow. No matter how "righteous" we like to "think" we are, we are ALL continually in need of God's amazing grace. No one has yet come to his/her full maturity in Christ. We all still sin. And while I'd like to think that I'm above all this gossip stuff, I still find myself talking about others...even after all this I've experienced. I'm a sinner. Yet God has forgiven me. I pray that I may forgive those that sin against me.

Needless to say, I've really been struggling lately. And to add this painful situation on top of the reality of my daughter's condition, my very sick grandmother, my father who recently had a painful and life changing lawnmower accident, and my mother who is striving to care for her family, my heart is completely broken. As the kids and I attended a children's community activity this morning, a little girl approached my daughter staring at her prosthesis, trying to touch it. Normally, I can handle these situations fairly well, but considering life's recent circumstances, I completely fell apart inside. Sometimes this life just doesn't seem fair.

Yet, I choose to trust in my God. I choose to trust my God's complete sovereignty. I choose to trust my God's love, compassion, forgiveness, and justice. I choose to rest in Him who alone is Truth.

"One thing I have asked of the Lord, that I shall seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to meditate in His temple. For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle; in the secret place of His tent He will hide me; He will lift me up on a rock. And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me; and I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord. Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice, and be gracious to me and answer me. When You said, 'Seek My face,' my heart said to You, 'Your face, O Lord, I shall seek.'" Psalm 27:4-8

Learning to Ride

2010-05-09T20:14:00.025-04:00

Hannah wants so desperately to ride a bike like her big brother....she wants to do anything her big brother does ;) However, I can see that this may be a bit of a challenge for her as she cannot feel her prosthetic foot on the peddle of her tricycle. But she's such a trouper and so very determined that I have no doubt she'll get the hang of it.

When Joshua was two years old, his papaw (my amazing dad), taught him how to ride a tricycle by pushing him along with this long stick....

We lived in Florida country at the time (and when I say "country", I really mean living in the "country"). Here is a photo of our Florida home...it was built right in the middle of the woods. And we'd frequently find up to 22 wild hogs roaming our yard. I miss this house terribly, but I digress.....

We still have that infamous stick my dad used to teach Joshua how to ride his tricycle. I've kept that stick for 4 years, and plan on keeping it for many more. My dad originally intended for that long stick, along with a smaller stick he found for Joshua, to be their walking sticks when we lived in Florida. Here's a picture, taken back in 2006, of the two going for a walk. Such great memories. I digress again.....

The other day, we decided to take the kids for a bike ride...with the infamous stick, of course, along with the same tricycle and helmet Joshua used when he was two years old. By the end of our walk, Hannah had gotten a pretty good handle on how to maneuver that little tricycle. She had two pretty good falls from her bike, but after crying for maybe one minute both times, she hopped right back on her tricycle without any persuading from Mama or Daddy. She's such a determined little girl. We are so very proud of her and Joshua.

Fear Struck Again

2010-04-26T16:48:00.005-04:00

"Are you going back to see your doctor?" These were the words that struck great anxiety within me. Under "normal" circumstances, I would not have thought twice about such a question. And I never thought that hearing this question would bring me such fear. Honestly, I never even thought about being asked that question ever again.

A few days ago, I underwent an ultrasound of my gallbladder and pancreas because I had been sick and some of my blood work came back a little elevated. My physician simply wanted to make sure he wasn't missing anything. At the end of the exam, the ultrasound technician asked if I was going back to see my doctor. And hearing that question, I immediately became nervous and fearful of the outcome of my ultrasound.

Let me rewind a little bit further. At 22 weeks of pregnancy with our daughter, I had the routine ultrasound conducted. Upon completion of the ultrasound, the technician asked, "Are you going to see your doctor today?" Just a few minutes later, there we sat in my doctor's office hearing for the first time that the ultrasound revealed our unborn baby girl had only one leg. That one question...that one day...changed our lives forever. So, hearing that same question again asked by an ultrasound technician just a few days ago brought me a wave of fear and anxiety. I was completely caught off guard by my emotions....and I still am. That question brought back emotions I thought I had dealt with. This really is going to be a lifelong journey for our family, but one I'm honored to travel through the love and grace of our Savior.

(Oh, my ultrasound results came back PERFECTLY FINE! Brian was so very compassionate and understanding throughout the entire process. He took us to dinner to celebrate great results. :)

Blessed

2010-04-24T22:43:00.000-04:00

Blessed.

Happy 5th Birthday, Joshua!

2010-04-08T13:53:00.025-04:00

Wow! Joshua is 5 years old! What an amazing young man he is. We are so very blessed. We had some wonderful birthday plans lined up for his birthday week, but unfortunately, things did not turn out as planned.

Two days before Joshua's birthday, he came down with the stomach flu. Poor thing felt miserable. He felt somewhat better the day before his birthday, but that's the day Hannah came down with a very yucky virus. She had a fever that reached 102.5 with blisters in her mouth and red bumps/sores over her body.

We had planned on meeting one of Joshua's little school buddies for dinner at Cici's the evening before his birthday, but we had to cancel that fun outing. The day of Joshua's birthday, we had to take Hannah to the doctor 45 min. away. And being that she was contagious, we weren't even able to enjoy a birthday lunch out. Instead, we went through McDonald's drive-thru and took the food home.

It definitely was not what we had planned for his birthday. I SO wanted him to feel special on his special day, but I think he still had a little fun...

He got a REALLY cool Military airplane....

...and a real digital camera that takes videos and everything!

He enjoyed some Daddy time while eating the cake he picked out to make for his birthday....

...but, unfortunately, neither Joshua nor Hannah were able to really enjoy the cake. Joshua barely ate any of his (his tummy still wasn't quite back to normal). And Hannah, poor Hannah. After every couple bites of cake, she'd look at me and say, "Ouch. Need medicine." Her mouth really hurt from the blisters.

Maybe we can REALLY celebrate Joshua's 5th birthday once everyone's back to good health. ;)

Gatlinburg Getaway

2010-04-05T21:14:00.044-04:00

We are so grateful to Sandy and Warren for giving us the opportunity to stay at their time-share in Gatlinburg, TN.
The resort was beautifully tucked away in the TN mountains with its own indoor waterpark, which we just fell in love with. Although our kiddos are still uncomfortable around pools, they had such a great time! It did get a little challenging at times as Hannah couldn't wear her prosthesis in the water (it can't get wet), and her little knees got pretty scraped up crawling in the toddler play area, but she never complained. I did notice quite a few stares from others when they realized Hannah was missing a leg, but none of the stares were harsh... of which I'm extremely grateful. We all enjoyed our time there and can't wait to go back!

The toddler area had two small slides for the little ones, and by the end of our second day at the waterpark, both kiddos absolutely LOVED sliding down into the water!

Hannah so desperately wanted to climb up the stairs to the slide on her own....and she did (I still held onto her a little)!! She took one step with her left foot and the next with her little stump and climbed right on up that ladder. I was thrilled and amazed by her determination and perseverance!

Joshua and Hannah are such amazing children. We are very blessed!

"God moves it!"

2010-03-19T14:13:00.009-04:00

Brian and I have decided to teach Joshua and Hannah parts of the Catechism (the basic principles of Christianity). We want to be sure they understand the basic principles of who our God is and what it means to serve Him. Throughout the day, while we're playing and just going about our daily activities, we'll talk about a few of these questions and we periodically introduce them to new questions.

As we sat down for lunch today, Joshua reminded us that we had not yet talked about our questions. So, Brian began asking both Joshua and Hannah:

1) "Who made you?" To which they both replied, "God"
2) "What else did God make?" To which they replied, "Everything"
3) "Why did God make you and everything else?" To which they replied, "For His glory."

(It's the cutest thing seeing both Joshua and Hannah respond to these questions with smiles of excitement!)

Brian then asked a new question..... "Why do things work as they do?" I think Brian and I were both anticipating the need to explain this question further for Joshua and we REALLY weren't expecting Joshua to answer, but he did!

When Brian asked Joshua "Why do things work as they do?" Joshua replied, "Because God moves it!" I think that's a wonderful way to answer that question! Things work the way they do because God moves them that way....it's God will....because God has decreed it.

This is going to be a fun journey!

(If you're interested, you can find a Catechism for boys and girls at the following site www.reformedreader.org/ccc/acbg.htm)

Sacrifice

2010-02-14T14:06:00.005-05:00

Brian and I often talk with Joshua about how Jesus desires for Joshua to love Him more than anything and anyone else in this whole world. So the other day, Joshua and I had a conversation that went somewhat like this:

Joshua -"I love Jesus more than anything."

Me - "That's wonderful! So...would you give some of your toys away for Jesus?"

Joshua - "Yes. The ones I don't like"

Hee, hee, hee. May I be as bold to say that many of us think the same way but we're just not brave enough to admit it? We're more than happy to give Jesus the parts of our being or the things in our lives that we really don't like, but when it comes down to true sacrifice....well, "that's for someone else." This is a very easy mentality to get trapped in. Please join me in praying that, as believers, we may continually be sensitive the leading of the Holy Spirit in our lives and then be willing to offer Him our true sacrifice. May we be eager to offer Jesus every part of who we are and be willing to give back to Him all that He has graciously given to us.

What a lifelong lesson to learn!

What a Journey!

2010-02-11T15:03:00.027-05:00

It is so hard to believe it's been one year since Hannah had her leg surgery! To see how far she's come in just one short year simply amazes me. Even with all the ups and downs, I wouldn't change this journey for the world. God has blessed us tremendously. Not only has God blessed us through this amazing little girl He's graciously given us, but He continually blesses us through teaching us, growing us, challenging us, and showing us more of Himself. May this journey make us more holy...that God alone may be glorified and that others may come to know Him.

A look back.....

Hannah and me at Shriners Hospital for Children the night before her surgery. I was SO nervous.

Seeing Hannah for the first time post surgery.

Holding Hannah for the first time post surgery. What a wonderful feeling! She was still hooked up to quite a few machines...including an epidural. Her cheeks got so red and itchy from the epidural.

Hannah learned to crawl with that big cast before she was even discharged from the hospital! What a determined little girl!!!

Cast removal....3.5 weeks post surgery. What a traumatic experience....phew!!!

She wore a compression sock for 2 weeks post surgery to help minimize the swelling.

On February 13th, 2009, Hannah stood on two legs for her very first time....EVER!!!!!!
What a great Valentine's Day gift!

Joshua is such a supportive and loving big brother.

On June 3rd, 2009, Hannah learned to walk by herself ...just 4 months after receiving her very first prosthesis!! Yay, Hannah!!!

The leg on the left is her very first prosthesis. The leg on the right is her current prosthesis. Look how much she's grown! When I first saw her new prosthesis, I cried, for various reasons, but partly because it didn't look like a "baby leg" anymore....this was a "big girl leg!" ;)

Our sweet, determined, spunky, little Hannah....we are so incredibly proud of you and honored to be called your mom and dad! We love you and Joshua dearly!!

Just Life

2010-01-23T17:56:00.015-05:00

The other day, Brian and I took the kids to TK's Gymnastics where they have open gym for the little ones to run and jump and play. I really didn't want to talk with anyone or see anyone. I had been feeling so wounded by life's circumstances recently, that I just wanted to watch and have fun with my family. But there was a little girl at the gym that kept asking questions about Hannah's prosthesis. It wasn't like she simply asked one question and then skipped off to play. She asked question...after question...after question...sometimes asking the same question over and over again trying to wrap her brain around what she was seeing. She even told another little girl about Hannah's leg. I felt a little like I was being kicked when I was already down. I know her questions were innocent...I just didn't feel I had it in me to engage in conversation. But I'm so very thankful and humbled by God's grace. As I sought to find that seemingly delicate balance between answering those innocent questions and not letting my little girl's prosthesis turn into a spectacle, God gave me grace and patience to answer her many questions and offer her the opportunity to touch Hannah's prosthesis.

Life has been difficult lately....I'm humbled by God's amazing grace. I don't deserve what He has done for me. I pray that even amidst these difficult days that my life and the lives of my family bring God the glory He so richly deserves. May He use these difficult days to make me more like Him for His glory.

:)

2010-01-16T22:21:00.003-05:00

"Hannah, we've told you a thousand times.....get your leg off the counter!" (hee, hee, hee!!!!!!)

From Mundane to Valuable

2010-01-05T13:48:00.018-05:00

I've been in a rut with the kids lately. As much as it pains me to say this, I haven't had much drive or energy to truly pour into their little lives like I know my Savior desires of me.

Normally, I spend time reading the Bible and with the Lord in prayer during my afternoons while Hannah is napping and Joshua is at school. However, I decided to read His Word during breakfast this morning. Even amidst the distraction of the kids eating and watching cartoons, I spent time in honest prayer with the Lord asking Him to help me see my value while walking through (what feels to me) the mundane events of the day. I asked God to give me patience and to remind me of His love and grace...and what a blessing today has been.

Only through God's grace I had renewed patience with my sweet children. I guess the kids sensed my change of heart, because I can't remember a single time that they fought today....they played together like they were best friends with sweet laughter filling the house. Joshua's school was canceled today due to the weather, so we had "school" at home. And while my patience was tested, we soured through the lessons with love.

Joshua and I then colored in a coloring book about the Bible (he normally colors in his Spiderman or tractor coloring books, but the Bible coloring book was the only one I had nearby at the time....and I'm so thankful it was!). While coloring, we had a simple conversation about Jesus dying on the cross and what that means for us. He then looked at me with his big, bright eyes and said, "And then He came back to life!" My heart melts as I see Joshua beginning to understand who Jesus is and what He's done for us. As we turned a page in the coloring book, I was taken aback to find a sweet message written to Joshua nearly two years ago from a very dear friend of mine who now lives in Texas. My heart was full thinking about the wonderful times we had together.

While the kids were playing together, we also listened to children's music that a friend from church gave me. I've never heard children's music as biblically sound as this CD and, more times than not, the words in the songs lead Joshua and me to wonderful conversations about the Lord that Joshua initiates. Today, the words of one particular song got Joshua thinking about the truth that Jesus does not have a body like we do. We then began talking about what our bodies will be like in Heaven. He then said he thought getting to Heaven would be like "taking a train trip." Joshua is very eager to ride on another real train, so that is a very cool thought for him :)

What a blessing today has been. God definitely reminded me of the amazing value in being a mama. Thank you, Jesus.

Blessed

2009-12-29T15:45:00.008-05:00

As I read the story of a beautiful little girl named Kate fighting for her life (You may read her story here) I'm reminded of how blessed I truly am. While I still have days of heartache concerning my little girl's condition, I can't help but remain joyful that she is still in our lives. While Hannah's condition is life changing, her condition is NOT a matter of life or death. She is a very healthy, happy, joyful little girl (when she's not throwing a temper tantrum ;). Joshua is an amazing son and big brother who cares deeply and loves much. Brian is a wonderful husband and friend who continually amazes me with his love and by his character. We are a blessed family....and for these things I am thankful. May I praise God for the good in my life...and may I praise Him for the difficulties in this journey as well. For, regardless of my circumstances, my life is continually in His hands and I am blessed to simply be called His child.

Hannah Is Two!!

2009-12-16T15:44:00.014-05:00

The morning of your birthday, you awoke to beautiful snow flurries.

You then enjoyed the quiet of the morning with kitty.

After Nana and Gramps arrived from Tennessee, we ate pizza for your birthday dinner!!
(Meemaw and Papaw came to celebrate your birthday a few days later)

These were your birthday gifts.

After dinner, you walked down the hall and were surprised to see all your gifts!!

You were SO excited!

Joshua was so excited for you that he opened most of your birthday gifts for you....you didn't mind at all!

You were very content sitting amongst all your gifts.

We then went back upstairs to enjoy some birthday cupcakes.

We had such a wonderful day with you, sweet Hannah. You are an amazing little girl and we are so very blessed to call you daughter! We love you dearly. Happy 2nd Birthday!!

Hard Road

2009-12-07T15:34:00.014-05:00

Hannah received a new prosthesis this past Friday. I was so excited for her to get her new leg. I knew she would probably need time to adjust to it, but I just wasn't quite prepared to see her so uncertain. The first few minutes of her wearing her new leg, she was scared to stand on her own. She didn't want to walk. She has since become more confident with wearing it. Yet, I still see her timidity...especially in the morning when I first put the leg on her.

The prosthesis is also about one inch longer than her "good" leg giving her a considerable limp. I'm not pleased with this. It breaks my heart. I just want my baby girl to experience walking and running like I do.

This has brought back so many emotions for me. Everything is still so new. I don't know what to expect. I don't know how things "should" be for her. I'm just hurting for her. Sometimes it's a hard road.

Father, You know my tears. Thank You.

Mr. Wayne, Hannah's prosthetist, getting ready to put the new prosthesis on Hannah's leg.

First time for Hannah to stand on the new prosthesis.

Hannah getting comfortable at Shriner's Hospital :)

Sweet Questions

2009-11-25T15:22:00.006-05:00

I love hearing Joshua ask questions about God. Today, he asked who the Holy Spirit was...that's a difficult concept for me to understand!! When I told him that the Holy Spirit was Jesus and God, he replied...."And Jesus is God...they should just call Him Jesus." That would make things easier for all of us to understand, wouldn't it? ;)

Joshua and I then talked a little bit about Heaven. He said he wished he could see Jesus and be in Heaven instead of being here on Earth. He then asked a question that brought tears to my eyes. Before I share his question, let me give a little background information. Over the past two months, we've lost some sweet friends...not due to death or moving away, just due to other life situations. It's been difficult on all of us. Relationships can be so hard at times. We are all sinners saved only by God's amazing grace...it's amazing that ANY of us can become friends ;) And we all make decisions that, later, we realize may not have been the best decisions. We all have need to ask friends for forgiveness and grace, and then to extend that forgiveness and grace to those that wrong us.

Through this process, Joshua lost a very sweet little friend. It's been difficult for him. He asks about this friend often. ..which leads me back to the conversation I had with Joshua today. Today, Joshua asked if he'd be able to see this precious little friend in Heaven. As I tried to hold back my tears, I replied with a yes. His little friend has already asked Jesus to be his/her Savior, so he/she undoubtedly will be in Heaven one day....Prayerfully, our friendships will be reconciled sooner rather than later.

Just One of Those Months

2009-11-23T14:01:00.003-05:00

"Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. For You [Jesus] have rescued my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling."

Psalm 116:7-8

Growing!

2009-11-16T21:46:00.006-05:00

We took Hannah back to Shriners Hospital today to meet with her prosthetist, Mr. Wayne. Since she first got her prosthesis back in February, her left leg has grown 1.5 inches, her left foot has grown, and her little right leg (the leg on which she wears her prosthesis) has grown as well! We are so very blessed. Mr. Wayne made a mold of her little right leg and will begin making her a new prosthesis. She'll have it in about two weeks!

I failed to take the camera to the hospital to get pictures of Mr. Wayne making a mold of Hannah's leg, but I did get this picture taken after the fact. These markings on Hannah's leg were actually drawn onto the mold so that Mr. Wayne would know exactly where her knee, etc... were. The ink went through the mold and onto Hannah's leg. When Mr. Wayne was done marking everything, the image looked like a gingerbread man :) It was very cute.

Hannah did wonderfully while Mr. Wayne took measurements and made of mold of her little leg. She's a trooper!

Love

2009-11-07T21:16:00.002-05:00

As the kids sat at the kitchen table eating a snack the other evening, Hannah scooted up next to Joshua (or JoJosh as she calls him), put her arm around him, and said, "JoJosh....Love you." It was truly a precious moment.

Father, please continue to mold this brother/sister relationship. May they have an amazing love for You, for each other, and for those around them. Thank You for Your amazing grace.

Worry...Again :)

2009-10-28T22:22:00.002-04:00

I've always been one to worry, but ever since Hannah was born, I worry about things that used to never even be on my radar as possible things to worry about. Life is so much more fragile than I ever truly realized it to be. And now with the H1N1 flu running throughout our country, I worry again. And with the controversy over the H1N1 flu vaccine, I worry even more. What is the best thing for me to do for MY family? I realize the possibility of negative outcomes from either contracting the H1N1 flu or getting the H1N1 flu vaccine are rare, yet what if someone in my family is that rare case? After all, Hannah's leg condition is rare...and having that condition in both legs is, from my understanding, even more rare. I guess the positive outcomes actually outweighing the negative outcomes is difficult for me to see these days.

Father, please give me wisdom to do what's best for my children.

We've Come So Far

2009-10-06T21:12:00.009-04:00

Today, I received past medical records from my ob/gyn's office in Florida. I had such a wonderful doctor there. As I looked through the records this afternoon, my eyes filled with tears remembering the journey of my pregnancy with Hannah. It was such a difficult time for me both physically and emotionally. Yet, to see how far God has brought us, my heart is so full of joy. Oh, this journey called life is such a roller coaster at times :)

At any rate.....

I watched the video last night of Hannah taking some of her very first steps, and my heart once again leaped for joy! What a blessing to revisit that day. And how amazing it is to see how far she's come in just four short months!! So I thought I'd give a little update on just how well she's getting around these days. Today, I took a couple short one minute videos of Hannah playing. She is doing wonderfully with her prosthesis, and I am so pleased that, lately, she hasn't seemed to need her left leg brace. She still falls at times when her little ankle rolls, but it doesn't seem to phase her. We go back to Shriners Hospital in December, and I'm really praying that the doctors will agree with my assessment that she no longer needs to wear that big, old, honkin' brace!! :)

My heart is so full of joy. I hope you enjoy seeing our two precious children. Thank you, again, for sharing in our journey!! May God be glorified.

Poem

2009-09-29T21:47:00.003-04:00

A sweet friend (whom I've never actually met in person) recently sent me the following poem she wrote for her little girl who also has Fibular Hemimelia:

I look at you and here is what I see…
I see the beauty in your eyes when you’re looking at me.What a gift from God to have sight.
I see the beauty in your face as you turn to smile.What a gift from God to bring such joy.
I see the beauty in your soul as you bow your head to pray.What a gift from God to have such a thankful heart.
I see the beauty in your laugh as I tickle your tummy.What a gift from God to hear you giggle.
I see the beauty in your arms as you wrap them around me.What a gift from God to touch other people.
I see the beauty in your legs as you run and dance and play.What a gift from God to move your body in such wonderful ways.
I see the beauty in your legs. I see the beauty in your foot. I see the beauty in your toes.They are not perfect as the world sees them but they are perfect to me. As I see all the gifts God has given you, your legs are only one part of your body. We all have life journeys that sometimes take us down dark roads but don’t ever let the darkness overtake you. Live in the light. Life is a journey. Life is a gift. Life is beautiful. Thanks be to God for all his wondrous gifts!

Kathryn M.

Thank you, Kathryn, for these beautiful words. And thank You, God, for our beautiful little girls You've perfectly created. Thank You.

Oops!

2009-09-10T13:32:00.005-04:00

On Labor Day, we packed up the kids and made our way to Virginia to visit with friends for the night. It was a very quick trip, but such a blessing.

We stopped at Wendy's for lunch on our way to Virginia. Unfortunately, the kids weren't very hungry. I guess I allowed them to eat one too many snacks in the car.....my fault :) So after Brian and I scarfed down our burgers and fries, we gathered our belongings to leave. While Brian and Joshua made their way out to the car, Hannah and I lagged behind a little. And just as Hannah walked beside a table of a family of six eating their lunch, she fell down. I quickly noticed that her prosthetic leg had fallen off as she was walking which caused her to fall. And if you didn't know she wore a prosthetic leg, you'd have thought she broke her real leg in the fall the way she and her prosthesis were lying there. :) So I quickly swept her and her leg up off the floor not wanting to freak out the family of six sitting there at the table! Hannah and I sat at a nearby table as I put her prosthesis back on. And as we made our second trip past this table of a family of six, I said to the family with a smile..."I'm so sorry. I hope that didn't scare you." One of the men sitting there just chuckled and said, "No, not at all."

While I was able to laugh about this incident as it happened, once I got settled in the car and we began the remainder of our drive, tears filled my eyes. The majority of the time, things like this are just so normal for our family. But, there are times when the reality of things just hits me. While on this earth, Hannah will never know what it's like to walk on two of her very own legs...and sometimes that stings. My continued prayer is that my baby girl (and sweet son) asks Jesus into her heart. And on that day when Jesus calls her Home (prayerfully many, many, many, many, many, many years from now!!), my beautiful baby girl WILL STAND in the presence of our most Loving God. What an amazing day that will be. What an amazing sight it will be to see my sweet girl walking and running freely without a prosthetic device. Oh, what an amazing day that will be!!!

Funny Sayings

2009-08-29T21:24:00.002-04:00

Today, Hannah wore a University of Kentucky t-shirt that used to be Joshua's when he was Hannah's age. When Joshua saw her wearing it he stated, "That looks just like me....expect Hannah only has one leg, I have two." :)

Remembering

2009-08-20T14:55:00.013-04:00

It's been two years this month since we first learned of Hannah, while still in my womb, missing her lower right leg (we did not find out about her left leg until her birth). I remember it like it was yesterday. Brian and I had arranged for Joshua to stay with his Florida "grandparents" while we traveled the 45 minutes to our doctor's office for our 22 week ultrasound. We had planned on having a lunch date after the appointment to celebrate our sweet baby.

I remember vividly sitting in the ultrasound waiting room feeling nervous...something just didn't feel right to me. But as I sat next to my wonderful husband and looked through magazines, I tried to push back those crazy thoughts. I've always been one to worry needlessly.

As the technician conducted the ultrasound, she shared the exciting news that we were having a baby girl. At one point, I asked if she ever had to share difficult news with expectant mothers. She replied, "Sometimes I do." That small conversation with her proved to be quite ironic. And looking back on those moments, I realize the technician never showed us our baby's feet. She never even commented about her little legs. The technician handled everything with such poise and gentleness that we didn't even sense something was amiss.

Once the ultrasound was complete, we (excited of the news of having a baby girl) walked down the hall to meet with my ob/gyn. When they called me back, I told Brian he could just sit in the waiting room (he was very interested in the magazine he was looking through...it was probably a food magazine :). The nurse took me back to check my blood pressure and weight. At one point she excused herself for a moment. Upon her return, she stated that I may want to have my husband come back to the exam room with me. Hearing this, I became very nervous. I walked out to the waiting room and told Brian they wanted him back there with me. I remember telling him, "I think something's wrong."

We nervously waited in the exam room. Brian remained seemingly calm. But as for me....I couldn't sit still. I stood looking out the window, then sat on the exam table, then stood up again and walked around. What was taking my doctor so long?? I'll never forget those next few moments. My doctor came in and sat on her stool holding the ultrasound results as I nervously sat a few feet away from her on the exam table. She first went through the report sharing the good things....our baby girl's brain looked good, her heart looked good, her lungs looked good... I kept waiting for the word "but..." And then it came...."but she has only one foot." With that my heart sank and the tears came gushing. Brian sweetly held me as we tried to comprehend what we just heard. The rest of the visit is somewhat of a blur. My doctor did ask (knowing what our answer would be but stating that she still had to ask) if we wanted to have an abortion. To this day, my heart aches over hearing those words. Even through the pain of this difficult news, this was our baby...GOD had graciously given us this precious little girl. It hurts to think someone would abort a baby simply because he/she is "different." Before we left the office, they set us up for a Level II ultrasound with a specialist at a nearby hospital to look for any other possible complications with our sweet baby. To our dismay, we had to wait two long weeks before having that ultrasound.

I tried to maintain my composure as we walked down the hallway to the leave the building. But I just couldn't make it. I slipped into a bathroom feeling so sick and nauseous. I just couldn't wrapped my brain around this sudden information.

Brian and I shared very few words after that appointment as we both struggled to comprehend what we just heard. As we sat in a booth at Panera Bread in Gainesville, FL tears flowed from our eyes. Through his tears, Brian slowly lifted a humble prayer, "God, thank You for Your grace." With that we settled on naming our sweet baby girl Hannah which means grace. Hannah in the Bible was a woman of prayer and faith.

The next few months were very difficult emotionally and physically. I cried, I prayed, I asked God why. I knelt beside my bed and read God's Word trying to understand what was happening. There were days when I just didn't have the words to pray....I just sat and cried in God's presence. There were nights when I saw my baby girl in my dreams. Those were difficult nights. There were days when I didn't feel like eating (I later learned that I lost weight during this time, but I'm so thankful my doctor did not make it an issue...she knew I was still trying to process everything). I was grieving for my baby girl.

It's been a long, difficult, blessed journey. I praise God for this beautiful little girl He's blessed us with. I can't imagine life without her. And while we still have difficult days and many unanswered questions....while we still wait to see how her little legs develop...we are forever thankful for this beautiful blessing. Words can't describe the love I have for our sweet Hannah. Words can't describe how she fills my heart with joy.

Thank You, Jesus, for allowing us to take this journey with You and with our sweet baby girl.

Encouraging Stuff

2009-08-13T14:21:00.011-04:00

We took Hannah back to Shriners Hospital earlier this week to get her measured for a new leg brace. Her toes are beginning to hang over her current brace. This is so exciting for me to see! Her left foot will more than likely be shorter than what it "should" be, so it's encouraging to see that it's growing!! We pray her little leg and foot continue to grow and that there's very little length discrepancy.

Hannah did amazingly well while they made a mold of her leg and foot and took measurements. The last time this was done, she cried. She did not like it one bit. This time, however, she sat patiently and just watched. She's an amazing little girl!

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We had a Back to School Bash at church last night that consisted of a huge inflatable water slide (see the above picture of my husband going down the slide...hee, hee, hee :), baby pool, and sprinkler for the little kids to run through. It seemed like the kids had so much fun. Neither of my kids went down the big water slide (I don't blame them....I'm not brave enough to go down that thing either :), but they did enjoy splashing in the water.

A new family to our church was there with their son last night and they asked me what happened to Hannah's leg. After I gave a quick explanation, the wife stated, "Oh, I thought you just had a white bandage around her leg." What a huge compliment to Hannah's prosthetist, Mr. Wayne, at Shriner's Hospital for Children!!! Hannah's stump stocks are quite long and hot. So, I simply fold the extra sock down over the strap that holds the prosthesis onto her leg. Not being able to see the strap, this sweet lady simply thought the prosthesis WAS Hannah's leg!! (Below is a picture of Joshua and Hannah excited to play in the water!).

Mr. Wayne is amazing at what he does. Not only does he strive to make Hannah's prosthesis comfortable for her, but he also strives to make it beautiful....apparently, so much so that someone thought it was her real leg!! :) We are so very blessed to have Mr. Wayne and Shriner's Hospital for Children!!

Drawing Close

2009-07-31T14:10:00.004-04:00

Two nights ago, Joshua awoke saying he had a bad dream. He had a difficult time getting back to sleep, so as I sat on the edge of his bed in the wee hours of the morning, I prayed aloud asking God to give him sweet dreams and reminded him that God is with him and wants to be his friend.

Last night at bedtime, Joshua stated, "Momma, after you prayed last night, I didn't have any more bad dreams. Will you pray again?" As my heart melted, we again prayed asking that God would give Joshua fun, sweet dreams. Around 5:30 this morning, Joshua stood at my bedside stating he had yet another bad dream and again asked me to pray. I put my arms around him, he placed his arm on me, and we prayed. With that, he walked quietly back to his room and went to sleep.

I'm not sure that Joshua is truly having bad dreams....but as long as he is asking me to pray with him, I'm not going to question it :) May God continue to soften Joshua's heart and draw him close to his Savior.

Conversations I Never Dreamed of Having

2009-07-17T14:37:00.006-04:00

When Joshua saw a commercial on television for a wheelchair accessible van, he stated "We have to get that for when Hannah gets older." Upon further questioning as to why Hannah would need a wheelchair when she gets older he stated, "Because of her leg." I explained that as Hannah gets older, doctors will make her more legs so she can still walk. To that he answered, "Oh, I didn't know that." :) I guess he thought once Hannah outgrew the first leg doctors made for her, that they wouldn't make her anymore, thus her needing a wheelchair to get around. :)

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"Are you ready to put on your leg, Hannah?"

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"Don't go outside yet, Joshua. I need to get Hannah's leg on first."

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We had to take Hannah to her pediatrician yesterday for a check-up, and Joshua told her, "You're going to have surgery today Hannah." He thought we were taking her to her leg doctor to have surgery again :)

While these statements and conversations are very common around our household, there are still times when they hit me...times when it's difficult for me to grasp that I just uttered those words. But what an incredible blessing it is to have our sweet Hannah just as GOD intended for her to be!! We are extremely blessed to have our precious children and amazingly blessed through our incredible God.

Warning: Contents May Be Graphic :)

2009-07-10T21:42:00.005-04:00

Hannah had another milestone tonight. For about a month now, she has had occasions where she's gone poopy in the bathtub. Many times, Joshua has been in the tub with her and chaos has ensued! The last time this occurred was Wednesday night. Thankfully, I had just set Hannah's little potty seat up in the bathroom earlier in the week. So, I hurriedly got both kids out of the tub, sat Hannah on her little potty, wrapped Joshua in a towel and had him sit on the bathroom floor, while I cleaned up the mess and disinfected the bathtub so I could give them a SECOND bath (whew!!!). To my amazement, while Hannah sat on the potty, she finished going poopy. This led me to the conclusion that I will now sit Hannah on her little potty every night before bath time. Well, tonight she did it!!! She had to sit there a while, but she went poopy in the potty!! We are very proud parents (and brother)! Yay, Hannah!!! :)

Just Me

2009-07-09T14:57:00.003-04:00

I've been a little down lately....missing friendships lost through distance, my days with the kids not going as smoothly as hoped, not always liking what I see in the mirror. Do you ever have days like that? Days where you're just not content with how things are going. I may not be able to put my finger on one thing in particular that's bothersome, but I'm just not where I'd like to be.

Through reading a devotional book entitled, LORD, ONLY YOU CAN CHANGE ME, I've been reminded of my depravity of spirit. Without Christ, I have nothing. I may have my pride, my self-assurance, my accomplishments, but without Christ, I am hopeless...I feel hopeless. When I search for meaning and comfort from something or someone other than Christ, I will always be searching. I've been searching lately...may I always run to my Redeemer and Lord who, by HIS doing, saved me.

"But by His doing, you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification, and redemption, so that, just as it is written, 'LET HIM WHO BOASTS, BOAST IN THE LORD.'" 1 Corinthians 1:30-31

A Little Update

2009-07-04T22:54:00.007-04:00

Hannah and Joshua are doing so very well these days. Hannah is now a walking machine :) It's difficult for me to get her to sit still long enough to put her leg on, but once it's on, she's off!!! She's still wobbly at times (especially when walking in the grass), but she is doing an amazing job! New accomplishments: turning the door knob to go into a room (that she's not supposed to be in!!), unscrewing the top from a soap bottle (thankfully it's an old bottle that Joshua fills with water while playing in the tub).

Joshua is my little man. He is so much fun and absolutely loves his little sister. He watches out for her and loves to make her laugh. This afternoon, we went over to our neighbor's house so the kids could play on the slip 'n slide. Joshua would not get on it until Hannah did :) He said, "I want Hannah to come." To which I replied, "Let me get her leg off first." :) Joshua can now write his name and knows several letters and their sounds in the alphabet. He has such an amazing little heart and is definitely all boy :)

We are currently praying about whether or not to homeschool Joshua for his first few years of school. We have been praying about this for some time, but I'm still not clear as to what to do. I have already begun preschool with him at home. It has been fun and seems to be going well. This issue has been very heavy on my heart lately. I see pros and cons of both homeschooling and attending public schools. I'm just still not sure what to do.

God, please make clear to me what Your desire is for our family. May we glorify You. Thank You for these two amazing children with which You've blessed us.

Why?

2009-06-18T23:33:00.006-04:00

Hannah had her 18 month check up today. Our doctor said she's doing great! I found it quite interesting, though, that her weight and length are both at the 15th to 20th percentile on the growth chart yet her head is in the 60th percentile! I guess that's why she's so darn smart ;)

During the visit, our pediatrician shared that she thought of Hannah the other day. One of her families recently adopted a little girl from China. This sweet little girl is missing fingers and toes due to amniotic band syndrome. When the parents showed pictures of the little girl's hands and feet to a reputable hand surgeon in our area, the surgeon asked (hold on to your seats folks) why they would adopt such a little girl. He stated that she should have just been left to die in the fields in China...that this is a situation where they should have let mother nature take care of her. I am still in disbelief by these hateful, arrogant, idiotic comments. This brings back the vivid memory of my doctor asking if we wanted to abort our sweet Hannah simply because of her right leg. I just don't understand. Why are these children seen as less valuable?? I'm speechless.

God, please take care of these precious children. Please use our family.

Hannah Walking!!!!

2009-06-03T13:10:00.009-04:00

It's been almost four months since Hannah got her right prosthetic leg and left leg brace, and today she felt confident enough to take quite a few steps! Look at her go.....she walked all the way across the room by herself!!!! Please excuse my squeals of excitement :)
Oh, this brings tears to my eyes. Thank You, Father, thank You. Please continue to give her that confidence she needs. Thank You!

Appointment at Shriners Hospital

2009-05-30T21:59:00.010-04:00

Yesterday, Hannah had her first appointment with the entire prosthetic team since she had her surgery in January. We met with both surgeons along with Hannah's prosthetist. Stepping inside that hospital always conjures up so many emotions for me. My eyes still well up with tears.

The appointment went very well. They were not at all concerned that Hannah is not yet walking on her own. They thought she was doing very well and did not recommend physical therapy for her. Hannah now only has one strap attaching her prosthesis to her leg (instead of the two straps she's worn for the last three months). This makes it much easier for me to get her leg on and off and much, much easier to change her diaper (no more worrying about getting poopy on that waist strap....yuck!!!). Needless to say, I am very pleased about that. :)

And of course, being the overly anxious mother I can be at times (or maybe I'm like that all the time), I did my research and came prepared with a list of questions. The surgeon and prosthetist indulged me for a few minutes, and the conversation went something like this:

Me: From my understanding, hip displaysia is very common is Fibular Hemimelia patients but does not show up until they are older. Is this something to be concerned about?
Doctor: Yes, that is very common in patients with fibular deficiencies. We will do x-rays as she grows, so we'll just have to WAIT and see.

Me: Hannah currently shows no signs of bowing in her legs.
Doctor: Yes. It is common for patients like Hannah to have bowing of the legs or knock-knee. We'll just have to WAIT and see. That condition is treatable.

Me: From my understanding, there is a way for doctors to calculate how short Hannah's left leg may be down the road (for the reader: Hannah's left leg will, more than likely, be a few inches shorter than it "should" be).
Doctor: Yes. There is a way for us to estimate, but we need to WAIT until she gets older.

Did you catch a common word/phrase coming from the doctor?? I have to wait. I have wait! I have to WAIT!! Oh, this is so hard for me to not have all the answers. This is so hard for me to accept the unknown. This is so hard for me to NOT be in control.

From the day we were first told that our baby girl would be born without her right foot, God began reminding me so clearly of His complete sovereignty. And while I may have no clue how Hannah's legs/foot will develop, God will always remain the Author of my baby girl's life. I am so thankful that my God has chosen to teach me about His sovereignty and His amazing grace through the life of my little girl (and my precious son).

There were a few questions the doctor and prosthetist were able to answer that day. Among them included:
1) I realize Hannah's left foot may be smaller, length-wise, than it "should" be. Will that effect her walking? To that, he answered, "No."
2) Will the shortness of her legs effect her walking? To that he answered, "No."

While most of my questions were answered with "We'll just have to wait and see," I will choose to rest in the fact that my God, my amazing, all-knowing, and sovereign God has already orchestrated the events of my little girl's life....my wonderful son's life....my family's life. I will just have to wait and see.

Photos

2009-05-24T21:38:00.014-04:00

Many times throughout the weekend, Hannah would stop and squat down to find bugs....or "bu" as she calls them :)

Our wonderful son sitting in front of the fountain at the Cincinnati Square....he's such an amazing blessing.

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Hannah took two steps all by herself tonight! You go girl!

Father, thank You for those two amazing steps Hannah took tonight. Please continue to give her the courage and determination she needs. Thank You so much for Your amazing grace!!!

Still Learning

2009-05-23T21:04:00.007-04:00

We had a wonderful couple days in Cincinnati. I feel very blessed that we were able to get away and enjoy that time together. On Friday, we took the kids to the zoo for their very first time! When asked what Joshua's favorite part of the zoo was, he always answered "The train." It wasn't the lions, zebras, monkeys...nope, it was riding the train :) Hannah really enjoyed seeing the manatees. At one point a manatee swam right in front of her, and she looked at me with her mouth wide open in amazement. It was the most precious site. They both also really enjoyed the bug exhibit...they love looking at bugs :)

During much of the weekend, Hannah wanted to walk holding either my hand or Brian's hand. (We always have to hold her RIGHT hand. If we take hold of her left hand, she'll barely budge until we hold her right hand. I guess it's because her prosthesis is on her right side. It's quite humorous at times). If we needed to put her in the stroller, she nearly always fought us....she wanted to be up and going like a big girl. And we definitely wanted to take advantage of her willingness. Being that it was very warm these past few days, she was wearing shorts which made her legs very visible to others. I wasn't quite prepared for all the stares that came our way. At one point, while standing in line for the train ride for the second time :), it seemed that all those around us couldn't keep their eyes off her. Some would stare for a few seconds, look away, and then stare again. Others weren't quite as casual about it....their stares were very apparent.

I'm still not quite sure how I feel about all the stares. Part of me welcomes those stares for two reasons: 1) It's wonderful for others to see that even though someone may have a physical difference from the norm, he/she is still normal in every other way. Hannah may need help with her legs, but she's still a beautiful, joyful little girl....who's beginning to show quite an attitude if I must say so myself :) 2) What mother isn't proud to show off her children :).

However, the other part of me is saddened and frustrated by all the stares. (There were even a couple comments, well meaning I'm sure, from strangers that I just ignored). So finally, while walking with Hannah at the mall this afternoon, I decided to no longer pretend I didn't see the stares. Instead, I decided to nonchalantly look the person (who was staring) straight in the eye to see what would happen. Not to be mean...I wasn't going to give anyone a dirty look. I just didn't think I needed to pretend I was oblivious to their stares anymore. The first encounter went very well. As soon as my eyes locked eyes with a middle-aged man who had been staring at Hannah as we walked, he immediately turned his gaze in a different direction. I didn't even get the chance to tell him hello. :) The second attempt didn't yeild any results. But the lady staring seemed to be doing so with joy...as if Hannah were an encouragement to her. So, I'll let that one go :)

I still have so much to learn. I need to learn a loving way to respond to others who stare and comment so that I can teach Hannah an appropriate response from the beginning....while she's still young. I guess instead of trying to process all the stares we received these past couple days, I should focus on showing others the love and grace our amazing Savior has shown me. I pray that those who stared saw that love and grace in our lives. Next time I catch someone staring, maybe I can share the gospel with them. Watch out world!! :)

Father, thank You for giving us a wonderful time away as a family. Thank You for the fun and laughs we had. Thank You for keeping us safe and giving us a home to come back to. Father, please help me to process all this. Help me to move past the stares and comments so that I can see the person. Help me to love, and give me boldness to share Your love and grace with others. May Hannah stand proudly knowing You formed her perfectly for Your glory.

You Can Do It

2009-05-18T21:56:00.003-04:00

My Sweet Hannah,
I know you can do it. I know you can walk by yourself. I know you're scared to let go and take that step on your own, but you can do it, Sweetheart. Oh, Hannah, if I could give you my legs I would do it in a heartbeat. You have so much determination. I know you'll be able to walk on your own one day. We'll just keep trying. Please know that Momma, Daddy, and brother are here to help you. You may fall at times, but we'll help you get right back up. God formed you perfectly. He loves you and He'll never let go.

Your Momma

Father, please give Hannah that courage she needs to take those steps on her own. Please strengthen her ankle. Please strengthen her legs. Please continue to help her legs and foot grow as they should. My words are all jumbled, but You know my heart, Father. Thank You for hearing my heart.

Video

2009-05-15T22:20:00.002-04:00

This video brought tears to my eyes thinking about my sweet Hannah. Please take a look (just click on the link below). It takes less than one minute.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qec520CLyhk

Forgiveness

2009-05-05T22:44:00.002-04:00

"Momma, do you forgive me?" Joshua recently asked after he was disobedient. Oh, how my heart melts when he asks for my forgiveness. He just recently began asking for forgiveness after he's done something wrong, and every time I hear those words, I have to take a step back from my impatience or frustration toward the disobedient act. Of course I forgive you, my sweet son. And I try to make a point to remind him that God forgives him as well. Today, Joshua asked if everyone forgives. I replied that everyone doesn't always forgive, but God wants us to forgive each other because HE FORGAVE US.

I always knew God had forgiven me of all my sins...past, present, and future. But it hasn't been until recently that I've begun to understand His forgiveness a little more fully. It's amazing how God uses children to teach us more about His character. Every time Joshua asks for forgiveness, I'm reminded of God's amazing forgiveness toward me. Joshua does nothing to earn my forgiveness. My forgiveness is something I choose to give him...just as God has chosen to forgive me out of His good pleasure, not by anything I have done.

Thank You, Father, for using my son to remind me of Your amazing forgiveness. I am not worthy of Your forgiveness...it is only by Your amazing grace. Please continue to teach me. Please continue to teach Joshua. Incline His heart toward You. Draw Him to You. May He ask You into his life.

Update on Baby Eli

2009-05-05T22:43:00.001-04:00

Thank you so much for praying for sweet baby Eli. He is now home. It sounds like the surgery went well. But, of course, Eli is still in pain. As you remember, please continue to pray for him and his family.

Baby Eli

2009-05-04T14:05:00.002-04:00

While living in Florida, God blessed me with the opportunity to meet a young couple pregnant with their first child...a little boy named Eli. Prior to Eli's birth, the sweet couple was told that their baby had Fibular Hemimelia in his right leg....the same condition Hannah has in both her legs. Shortly after we met, we moved to Kentucky, so I have been unable to meet this precious baby boy. However, looking at his pictures, he is such a sweet, handsome little guy. I look forward to the day when I can meet Eli.....when my Hannah can meet Eli.

This morning, 7 month old Eli had his right foot amputated. My heart has been aching all day for this sweet family. Today has conjured up many emotions from when Hannah had her surgery. I'm hurting for them. Please join me in praying for this precious family.

Father, we pray for sweet baby Eli. Give the doctors and nurses wisdom in caring for him. May his recovery go smoothly with minimal pain. Comfort his momma and daddy. Please give them a peace that only comes from You. May they not feel alone, but please remind them of Your love, grace, and faithfulness. Thank You for caring, Father. Thank You for hearing our prayers.

A Child's Heart

2009-04-27T21:35:00.002-04:00

As I stood outside Joshua's room this evening listening to he and Brian pray, I was overcome by a very sweet moment. During Brian's prayer, he prayed that God would draw Joshua and Hannah to Himself through Jesus Christ. After the prayer, Joshua asked what Brian meant by God "drawing" Joshua and Hannah to Himself. Brian explained that prayerfully, one day, Joshua would hear God asking him to be His friend. Joshua responded by saying in such a sweet and curious voice, "But I don't feel God asking me now." Oh, my heart melted.

God, may Joshua and Hannah be responsive and obedient to Your "asking". May they joyfully invite You to live in their lives. Draw them to You, Lord Jesus. Thank You for Your grace.

Sweet Words

2009-04-25T21:23:00.005-04:00

The following character sketch was written by an incredible young lady at church for her English assignment (I just had to share it!):

"Hannah Dembowczyk is the most determined toddler I know! She has been through many challenging things! She had to have a long surgery recently to get a prosthesis. She has a condition called Fibular Hemimelia. That means she is missing part of her right leg. Now that she has her prosthesis and brace, there is more to get through. She has to learn to walk by herself, but that is looking very promising!

"We had an Easter Egg Hunt recently. She was walking around holding only ONE of my fingers, finding eggs. At her brother's soccer game one night, I was walking around the bleachers with her, holding onto her hand. She practically ran around the second time! On the way back to the front of the bleachers she looked up into my face and said her special word, 'Bing!' (You have to know just how she says it. It's hilarious!).

"Her sense of humor is the second best thing that gets her through what she's going through. Her family is the first. Her big brother is very protective of her. Her parents are very close to the Lord. Her determination comes from God and she definitely passes it on to other people! I know this because after spending time with her I want to be more determined. I believe Hannah is a special gift sent from God!"

Thank you, Laura, for these extremely thoughtful and sweet words!! And thank You, God, for giving Hannah such determination and for giving Joshua such love for her!

Another Milestone

2009-04-17T21:41:00.005-04:00

During our picnic dinner on the living room floor this evening, Hannah decided she was ready to stand. We sat in amazement as she stuck her little bottom in the air, slowly straightened her legs and back, and stood (without holding onto anything!!) for a good 20 seconds. She stood up from a sitting position all by herself!!!!! As she stood, she folded her hands together in front of her with a smile as if to say, "I did it!"...oh, what a blessing!

Thank You, Father, for this incredible milestone. Thank You!!!!

Remembering

2009-04-10T21:31:00.002-04:00

As clouds rolled in this afternoon, I remembered the darkness that fell over the land before Jesus died on the cross. As thunder clapped, I remembered the earthquake upon His death. What a sad yet amazing day we remember today. How heartbreaking and wrenching the events our Savior willingly experienced...yet how wondrously amazing!

Thank You, Father, for the afternoon thunderstorm reminding me of the death of Your Son. Thank You for reminding me, through the awesome roar of thunder, Your amazing power and authority. Words cannot express my gratitude for all You've done and for showing me a glimpse of who You are. Thank You.

Happy Birthday, My Son

2009-04-06T21:50:00.003-04:00

My Dear Joshua,
Today you turned four-years-old. As I picked out your clothes this morning, my eyes filled with tears thinking about how quickly these last four years have gone. You are no longer a baby but an amazing little boy with an incredible heart.

Your Daddy and I are so very blessed to have you. We are so proud to call you our son. God has given you such a joyful heart. And, Joshua, you are an amazing big brother. I can see your love for Hannah by the way you try to protect her. If she starts crawling toward an area in our house where she shouldn't go, you quickly run to her trying to keep her safe. You are always watching to ensure she doesn't get a toy she shouldn't have. And, I'll never forget the day Hannah got her first prosthetic leg. During physical therapy, while you were playing off to the side, you noticed Hannah starting to lean on a stool with wheels that could have potentially slid away from her causing her to fall and get hurt. You quickly ran to her, even before the physical therapist noticed what was happening, to hold the stool steady. Thank you for being such a wonderful big brother. Hannah truly looks up to you, Joshua. And no one else in this family can make her laugh like you!!!

I know sometimes Hannah gets more attention because of her legs. I know sometimes I expect more of you than I probably should. But I pray you never doubt our incredible love for you, my son. I pray you never doubt how blessed we are to have you. And more importantly, I pray you know of God's love for you. I pray you ask Jesus into your heart. I pray you grow into a man who loves the Lord with all his heart....who longs to be obedient to the Lord....who longs to glorify Him.

My sweet son, words cannot express how much I love you. I could shout it from the mountain tops ~ but I know that would embarrass you :). Joshua, I LOVE YOU. Happy birthday!!!!

Your Momma

I've Got A Lot To Learn

2009-03-31T15:39:00.008-04:00

The kids were wonderful at Wal-Mart today. We had a very pleasant and fun time together. Our shopping cart was pretty full and Hannah was sitting in the shopping cart seat while Joshua stood beside the cart. As I put our items on the counter while trying to keep my eye on Joshua, a mother with three grade school children got in line behind us. Because I was still getting our items out of the shopping cart, I was standing at the opposite end of the cart to where Hannah was sitting. This allowed the grade school girls to walk right up to Hannah...just as close as they could. As I continued putting our items on the counter and keeping my eye on Joshua (who was standing very patiently and obediently) I noticed that the girls were staring at Hannah's legs. I could sense a little bewilderment in their expressions and noticed them trying to get their mom's attention to look at Hannah's legs. They stood there and just stared at her pretty much the entire time (for what seemed like hours!). A couple of times, their mother told them to stand back from Hannah, but they failed to listen. I tried desperately to get all the items onto the counter as quickly as I could so that I could stand between my baby girl and their stares...but my attempt seemed so futile.

And suddenly, as without warning, I felt the mother bear in me bubbling up inside wanting to protect my baby cub. By God's grace, I was able to smile at the little girls and simply say hello. I know Hannah did not understand they were staring at her legs. I know these were simply grade school children who were curious, but goodness, I was NOT ready for that. I wanted so badly to shield my baby girl from their stares. I felt helpless that I could not shield her. Their stares felt like daggers in my heart.

Once I got all our groceries into the car and got the kids buckled in, I settled into the driver's seat with tears quietly flowing down my cheeks. I did not want Joshua or Hannah seeing me cry. I knew Hannah was not hurt. No one was malicious toward her. No one laughed or made rude comments. But I still felt their stares...and, oh, how it hurt.

Not only did this experience shake me, but it also got me thinking. These grade school girls were not seeing Hannah for the sweet baby girl that she is...they were only seeing that her legs were different. How often in life do I focus on someone's differences rather than WHO that person is. It is so easy to stop at the physical appearance that may be different from the norm. I pray that I don't stop there. May I seek to see the person, not the difference.

Father, teach me to respond lovingly in difficult situations. Give our family an extra dose of compassion toward those that may stare or comment. Teach me how to respond in a godly manner so that I can teach Hannah. Teach us how to love like You.

Milestones

2009-03-26T20:58:00.008-04:00

Hannah had two big milestones today. She has amazed me once again! Today, she took a few steps while holding onto only ONE of my hands (normally she gets very upset if I take one of my hands away...she always wants to hold them both)! She also figured out how to get on and off her little rocking horse all by herself (I have to hold the horse steady, but she can do pretty much everything else.)!! Once she figured out how to get on the horsey, she wanted to do it over and over and over and over again...this lasted for about ten minutes :) We are very proud of her. She is so very determined.

Thank You, Father, for these big milestones today. Thank You for giving Hannah, what seems to be, an extra dose of determination. Thank You so much for Your amazing love and grace. May she continue to learn and grow and progress.

"A Great Day"

2009-03-25T21:57:00.005-04:00

The beginning of this week was extremely stressful for me. With Brian out of town, the kids and I took our SUV to the shop to get an oil change and a realignment. After waiting there for 1.5 hours, they offered to give me a loaner car so I could get the kids home. I gratefully accepted the offer. So after 2 hours of waiting at the shop, I had to get both car seats out of the SUV and into the loaner car while keeping an eye on both kids in the parking lot. Thankfully, I had taken a stroller for Hannah...which also had to serve as a changing table for a dirty diaper being that they had NO CHANGING TABLE in their bathroom!!!! (I digress). Anyway, once I got everyone settled into the loaner car and had driven down the road a few miles, the tears began flowing. It hit me just how overwhelmed I really was.

We were unable to get our SUV back that day. The mechanic found a different issue that needed to be fixed before they could complete the realignment. So the following day, the kids and I went to pick up our SUV and return the loaner car. I figured, I'd done all this before, I can do it again. Changing over both car seats while keeping an eye on both kids in the parking lot was much easier the second time around. I've become a pro at it now :)

On the way home that day, Joshua became very excited when he saw a firetruck and two ambulances at a nearby Pizza Hut. After talking about the vehicles, he said, "This is a great day!" And at that moment, it seemed that all the overwhelming feelings melted away. "This is a great day!" I was so focused on various stresses in my life that I was missing the greatness of the day. I was so focused on getting things done and feeling like I needed to do it all myself that I was missing the greatness of the day. It took a four-year-old (well, he'll be four in a couple of weeks) to put my thoughts into perspective. It truly was a great day.

Thank You, Father, for using my son to slow me down to see the greatness of the day. No matter my circumstances or my feelings, may I see the greatness of each day. The fact that You give me another day with my family makes it a great day. The fact that You love me and have forgiven me makes it a great day. You alone make it a great day. Please continue to teach me the greatness of each day. Thank You!

God's Continued Grace

2009-03-20T22:37:00.004-04:00

I am continually amazed by God's amazing grace. Today, after being on the market for 6 months, our FL home sold!! In today's housing market, 6 months is such a small amount of time. Our realtor, a wonderful Christian woman, commented that many homes in the area have been on the market for a year or more. Before moving to KY, there were a couple homes in our FL neighborhood that had been for sale for more than 2 years. Why God chose to extend His grace to us in this matter is far beyond my understanding. I am so undeserving of His love and care, and so very thankful for His continued provision. Praise God!

Father, my lips praise You. Thank You for, once again, providing for our family. Thank You for selling our home to, what sounds like, a very sweet couple. Thank You for Your amazing grace. May we be faithful stewards of the money we will now be saving. May our finances bring You all glory and honor. Please give us wisdom. Thank You, Father. And while I praise You for what You've DONE, may I never cease to praise You for WHO YOU ARE. Even if You hadn't yet sold our home, Your grace, love, and provision would be the same. YOU are an amazing God. When I begin missing my FL church and friends, may I be reminded of, and continually be thankful for, WHO YOU ARE.

My Son

2009-03-12T22:13:00.005-04:00

We recently signed Joshua up for soccer. He plays on a team with 3, 4, and 5-year-olds. I quickly noticed that there is a small three-year-old boy that can be quite a little bully toward Joshua. The other day at practice, the little boy began literally getting in Joshua's face...jumping up and down making faces at him. While I sat on the bleachers feeling my blood pressure rise wanting to quickly jump in and save my son, Joshua just calmly and almost proudly stood there. He didn't coward away. He didn't retaliate. He simply stood there trying to ignore this little boy. About a minute later (it seemed like eternity to me), the little boy lost his footing while jumping in Joshua's face and the boy fell to the ground. Joshua then simply but quickly walked over to where the other children stood.

This scene keeps running over and over in my head. There I sat, watching a little boy deliberately bother my son. I wanted so badly to run over to my precious son, hold him, and tell him that everything was alright...not to be afraid. But it seemed like Joshua already knew that. He didn't seem scared. He didn't run over to us in tears. In fact, he didn't even mention the incident after practice. I'm sure, in part, Joshua just didn't know exactly how to handle the situation so he just stood there. But I am so very proud that my son did not retaliate. I am so very proud that my son didn't seem afraid or shy away. I am so proud that my son stood tall.

What a great image. As believers in Christ, we can stand tall...stand assured...despite our circumstances. We can stand knowing that:
~ Our God is a gracious God
~ Our Redeember lives
~ Our God is a loving God
~ Nothing is out of God's authority

God, I praise You. Thank You for protecting my son. Please draw him to You. May Joshua stand tall in the Lord. I pray that he stands with a quiet confidence that only comes from You. Grow him to be the godly man You desire him to be. Thank You for entrusting him to me!!

One Day

2009-03-04T21:33:00.003-05:00

Are you familiar with the story of Dick and Rick Hoyt ~ affectionately known as Team Hoyt? Rick, Dick's son, was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck causing loss of oxygen to his brain. At that time, doctors told the Hoyts that Rick would be a vegetable and that they should just put him in an institution. The Hoyts were determined to take Rick home, to love him, to teach him, and treat him as any other child...which is what they did. Rick cannot speak. He cannot use his arms or legs. He is confined to a wheelchair. However, Rick was blessed with a computer that speaks for him. As he moves his head, he is able to click on specific letters to spell out words and write sentences. The computer then reads allowed his thoughts. The Hoyts quickly learned that Rick was interested in participating in marathons. Today, together Dick and Rick Hoyt participate in various marathons and triathlons. If it's running, Dick pushes Rick in his wheelchair. If it's swimming, Dick pulls Rick in a sturdy raft. If it's biking, Dick peddles the bike with Rick sitting in a specially made seat on the front of the bike. It's an amazing picture to see them cross the finish line together. With a huge, priceless smile on his face (and with Dick pushing him in his wheelchair), Rick holds his arms up as high as he can in victory. In the past, Rick told his dad that when they are competing, he feels like any other athlete. His physical concerns are pushed aside. (You may read more about their story at http://www.teamhoyt.com/).

What a glorious thought ~ one day, if Hannah asks Jesus into her heart, Hannah's physical concerns will be pushed aside. One day in Heaven, she will have no need for a prosthesis and leg brace. One day, I will see her in Heaven walking on her own legs. ONE DAY, if Hannah asks Jesus into her heart, I will see her in Heaven dancing on her own two legs amidst God's amazing glory. What a glorious thought.

We all know people suffering from physical, emotional, and mental concerns. One day, if they know Jesus, they will be free from pain...and free to praise God more fully!!! Only by God's amazing and glorious grace.

Father, please draw Hannah and Joshua to Yourself. May they come to You. May they long to obey You. May they love You. Thank You for Your amazing grace.

I KNOW my Redeemer lives.

Sometimes

2009-02-28T15:12:00.004-05:00

I've been a little down today. Sometimes I still hurt for my baby girl. I know it's only been two weeks since she got her prosthesis and brace, but it just seems to be so uncomfortable for her to stand and walk at times. My heart has been breaking for her today.

Father, please draw little Hannah to Yourself. Give her strength and patience and she learns to live life with her prosthesis and brace. Thank You for Your amazing grace.

Taking Steps

2009-02-26T21:41:00.008-05:00

Yesterday (2/25/09), Hannah began walking using a push toy for the VERY FIRST TIME. There were a few times when I tried to help her maneuver the toy, but she pushed my hand away. She did NOT want my help. :)We are so proud of her. You go girl!!!!! Above, Hannah is waving and telling Daddy bye-bye as she prepares to walk down the hallway :)

Determination, Part 2

2009-02-19T22:25:00.003-05:00

Hannah learned how to crawl into her little bean bag chair while wearing her prosthesis today!!! Her determination amazes me. After I helped her get a little situated in the chair, she gestured toward one of her books. I handed her the book, she leaned back in that chair, and quietly (with a little smile on her face) began looking through her book :) What a girl!!!!!

She also pulled to a standing position on both legs by herself today. I find myself just watching in amazement at times. I'm still taken aback when I see her with two complete legs. I praise God for what He has given her...for what He has given us!

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Ever since her surgery, Hannah has had difficulty letting others (besides Brian and me) hold her. When someone at church puts their arms out to hold her, Hannah just stares me in the eyes and holds me tightly as if to say, "Please Momma, don't let them take me." I keep thinking back to that moment before surgery when we were in the pre-op holding area. When the team was ready, I had to hand Hannah over to the anesthesiologist. Hannah was fully awake and didn't even whimper a sound. She trusted them ~ she trusted me for giving her to the doctor. And now, she's scared to go to others. I feel responsible for Hannah being so scared now. I wish I could have protected her. I wish they would have let me hold Hannah while they put her to sleep. That moment when the anesthesiologist took Hannah from me may forever be burned in my memory.

Determination

2009-02-18T15:42:00.003-05:00

Hannah is doing a little better with her new leg. She is such a determined little girl. The other day, she wanted to climb into her little bean bag chair but she had her new leg on and it kept getting in the way. She was having a very difficult time and getting frustrated that she couldn't just plop on in there like she used to. After I helped her get situated in the chair a few times, she became even more frustrated and upset that I was helping her. She wanted to climb into that chair by herself! So, she'd get off the chair, turn herself around and try to climb in the chair on her own. She did this for quite a while...and anytime I helped her, she'd quickly get out of the chair (making sure I knew she was NOT happy with me!), turn herself around, and try to climb back into the chair BY HERSELF. It was quite humorous, and a little sad. She still has yet to learn how to climb into that little bean bag chair on her own with her new leg. While I understand why the doctors wanted to wait until Hannah was a little older before doing her surgery, part of me wishes they had done the surgery earlier and given her a prosthesis earlier so that she wouldn't have to relearn how to do these things. I know with time and practice, she'll get the hang of it.

Father, thank You for such a determined and joyful little girl. Please give her patience with herself in learning how to use her new leg. May this quickly become natural to her.

My Baby Has Two Legs :)

2009-02-15T21:19:00.006-05:00

(The picture to the left is Hannah standing on two legs for the VERY FIRST TIME!! She is being helped by the Physical Therapist at Shriners Hospital for Children)

Oh, goodness. These last few days have been so full of emotion. I am amazed and so very excited that Hannah received her very first prosthetic leg on Feb. 13th at 1PM! It is an incredible feeling to see her wear two shoes for the first time. It is an amazingly different feeling to hold her with two little legs dangling down :). Those things that I took for granted with our son, Joshua, are such huge bolts of light with Hannah. After I put her leg on today, she crawled away and I just had to take a second look in amazement seeing my little girl with two complete legs. Wow, God is so good.

I finally just gave up on her left AFO brace today. She keeps crawling right of the brace and shoe! Her left foot is so small, that it may be difficult to keep a brace on her until she begins walking. I'll have to call the hospital this week to see what they say. Upon taking her prosthesis off this evening, I also noticed a spot on the back of her leg that was very red...it looked as if it were almost rubbed raw from the prosthesis. I'll need to call about that as well.

These past couple of days have been very emotional for me. I think the reality of things is setting in more now than it ever has. And I still have so much to learn about prosthetic limbs. I still have so many questions...when she's old enough, how will she get to the bathroom by herself in the middle of the night? Will she ever be able to take a shower? What about her left ankle? Will she always need to wear a brace on that leg? There is still so much unknown for me.

BUT...this evening was very encouraging. Yesterday, Hannah seemed scared (and even shook a little) as I encouraged her to stand on her prosthetic leg. Tonight was a very different story :) While she is still uncertain and still needs a lot of help, she was determined to WALK up the stairs at church!! As I stood behind her holding her hands above her head, she placed weight on her right prosthesis, lifted her left leg up to the next step, and then lifted her right prosthetic leg up to that same step (she wouldn't bend that knee...but she found a way!!). She did this all the way up the stairs with a smile on her face ~ her tongue hung out of her mouth at times as she was working so hard :) Oh, that brightened my heart!! What a joy.

Father, thank You for Your amazing grace and incredible love. I am in awe of what You're teaching me about Yourself through this journey you have blessed us with. Thank You for understanding my crazy emotions and loving me through it all. Thank You so very much for giving Hannah that determination. Please help her to feel safe and secure with her new leg. May her life...our lives...bring You all the glory. Thank You!!!

Our Journey

2009-02-04T22:19:00.009-05:00

Tonight, I was told of two families whose babies have fairly major physical concerns (one baby is still in the womb). My heart is so heavy for these families. While our babies' concerns are different, I can imagine how our emotional journeys would be very similar. I know the fear, the worry, the anxiety, the questions. I know what it's like as a mother to blame yourself despite the doctors saying there was nothing you could have done.

As I went to the hospital that third time with preterm contractions with Hannah, I assumed the nurses would just get the contractions under control, monitor me for a while, then send us on our way as they had done in the past. But being that I was already dilated, they quickly prepared me for a c-section. I began crying with fear. How would I react to seeing my precious daughter's leg? Would she have other concerns? (They had a special team in place just in case). I didn't feel I was ready emotionally. Not only was our life going to change with having a second child, but our "normal" was changing forever.

Oh, God's grace is truly amazing! Today, I would never want to imagine life without this beautiful, joyful baby girl, Hannah Noel. To think that we were asked by our physician (who really is an incredible doctor!) if we wanted to abort our baby, makes me sick to stomach. And to think other families may make that choice simply because their baby has a difference, is heartbreaking.

Our prayer from the beginning has been that God would use our precious daughter...our family...to bring Him the glory and fame He so richly deserves. So please feel free to share our journey with others going through similar circumstances. Please feel free to give them this blog site. I am now allowing others to write comments on my blog...so please feel free to contact me. I would never claim to have all the answers. I am simply a sinner saved by God's amazing grace walking this journey through His amazing lovingkindness. May God's holy Name be glorified and honored! Thank you for walking with us on this journey.

Sense of Humor

2009-02-02T22:21:00.002-05:00

After lunch today, I sat back down at the table to eat some yogurt while the kids played. I have been trying to get Hannah used to eating yogurt...it is definitely not even close to being her favorite food. As I sat at the table eating, she crawled over reaching up her arms as if she wanted a bite of yogurt. I, joyfully, leaned down to place the spoon near her mouth and she immediately put her hands over her mouth. After trying this multiple times, she eventually began crawling away. But wait....she stopped in the middle of the kitchen and turned around reaching up toward me opening her mouth like she decided she wanted to try the yogurt again. So from my seat, I leaned forward with the spoon of yogurt to see if that was what she wanted. As I leaned toward her, she immediately began crawling away giggling. Then again, she stopped in her tracks, looked at me, opened her mouth, and as I leaned in her direction with a spoon full of yogurt, she crawled away giggling. Oh, I was laughing so hard. I could not believe that my 14 month old was teasing me!!! She definitely has a sense of humor!

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Hannah's first word is "Bye Bye." And tonight, she learned how to make monkey sounds :)

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Joshua is the most incredible son and big brother in whole world!!!!

Father, thank You so much for a wonderful day with these children You have so richly blessed us with. Thank You for Your amazing love, grace, and faithfulness. May we forever trust in You.

Growing Up

2009-01-31T22:15:00.002-05:00

It's a sad day when your son decides he wants to call you "Mom" instead of "Momma.":) He's growing up way too fast.

First Bath

2009-01-30T21:35:00.002-05:00

It had been 3 1/2 weeks since Hannah had a real bath. Needless to say, she was so happy to be back in the bathtub with her big brother tonight! They splashed and laughed and had so much fun. She did NOT want to get out :) I'd like to think the water felt very good to her leg.

Joshua was a little sheepish about her leg. I think the scabbing and stitches threw him off a bit. I'm still a little sheepish about her leg. I already miss how her leg used to look.

Yesterday, when the nurse asked me to look at Hannah's leg upon them removing her cast, I felt like I was grieving all over again. This is my baby girl, and it just hurts. I don't understand all my emotions. On one hand, I'm still grieving. This surgery made things a little more real for me. Brian commented that before the surgery, it just looked like Hannah's leg had an abnormality...now, it looks like it's been amputated. I guess that's what I'm still trying to process ~it's difficult. Yet, on the other hand, I'm so excited for Hannah to get her right prosthetic leg and left leg brace! I'm ecstatic thinking about her standing and walking! Such a huge range of emotions. I'm so thankful that I have an all knowing and all powerful God.

Father, thank You for understanding my pain and my joy. Thank You for being in complete control. Thank You for Your amazing love and grace.

Another Visit

2009-01-29T14:39:00.003-05:00

I knew today would be a bit emotional, but I wasn't quite prepared for the many tears I shed. Shortly after we arrived at Shriners Children's Hospital, my eyes began tearing up thinking about the emotional journey we had during our last visit for Hannah's surgery. Soon after I pushed back those tears, we were taken back to the cast room to have Hannah's cast removed. Because we knew it may be a bit traumatizing for a little boy to watch, Brian took Joshua to the large play area while I stayed with Hannah. Again, I just wasn't quite prepared. The sound of the cast saw and the removal of the cast frightened Hannah. She was crying and shaking...I was crying...we were quite a sight to see :) Upon removing the cast, the nurse asked if I'd like to see her leg. It took me a few seconds to muster up the courage to look. I felt like I was reliving the first moment when I saw Hannah's leg upon her birth. I became very emotional. At that time, she still had the pin sticking out of her leg ~ that did not make matters any easier.

The surgeon said her leg looked very good. It had healed very nicely. Hannah does have a groove at the end of her leg beside the area where they attached her heal pad. The surgeon was unable to surgically correct this for fear of losing her heal pad altogether. We were told that having the groove could cause problems down the road as far as infection. We will just have to teach Hannah how to properly clean the area.

Before removing the pin, they took x-rays of Hannah's leg to ensure that everything had healed properly internally. The surgeon then pulled the pin out of Hannah's leg. Although Hannah was crying, the pulling of the pin did not seem to phase her much. She simply no longer likes being laid on a hospital bed. She's knows something is going to happen.

We were then taken to the orthotics/prosthetics department, where (to my surprise) they casted Hannah's limb for a prosthetic leg!! They also measured her left leg for an unhinged ankle/foot brace (they are giving her a pink brace)!! We will go back to the hospital on Feb. 13th to receive Hannah's first prosthetic leg and brace!!!! I am thrilled. I was not expecting this to happen so soon. Originally, we were told that Hannah would need to wear a compression sock for up to 8 weeks before her prosthesis fitting...well, she only needs to wear the compression sock for 2 weeks before getting her first leg!! Hannah will have her first prosthetic leg and leg brace just in time for Valentine's Day...what a wonderful gift of love!

The surgeon also mentioned that Hannah may be able to wear a hinged brace on her left leg when she gets older. This type of brace will allow her to bend her ankle. Another possible surprise!

Her leg is still tender, and she's a little unsure and unsteady crawling without her cast. But knowing her determination, she'll be racing around this house in no time!

Before Hannah was born, I began keeping a log of Bible verses referring to God's complete sovereignty. I visited that log again today just needing to be reminded of God's control. I know our baby girl will face obstacles I've never had to face. Yet, I was reminded that God formed her. God fashioned her. In that I will rejoice.

Thank You, Father, for forming us just the way You'd like us to be. Thank You that nothing is out of Your control. Thank You for being completely sovereign. Thank You for caring. Thank You for Your amazing love and grace. My heart will praise You forever.

"Your hands made me and fashioned me...." Psalm 119:73

Blessed

2009-01-25T21:27:00.002-05:00

As Joshua, Hannah, and I played in Joshua's room the other day, out of the blue, Joshua said..."I have the best Momma and Daddy in whole wide world." My heart just melted as I sat and cherished that moment.

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When Joshua was younger, he would "wipe off" the kisses we gave him. So Brian and I began to "glue" our kisses onto his cheeks so he couldn't "wipe them off." Well...these days, when Joshua gives us a kiss, he "glues" it on, then takes his hand and rubs it over the kiss to make sure it's stuck. :)

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At 13 months of age, Hannah has learned to say "please" in sign language. Of course, she only does it when she wants to, but it so darn cute!!!

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At times, when Hannah gets sleepy, I'll say to her "sleepy girl." She'll look at me with the cutest little smirk and tilt her head to her right side resting it on her shoulder.

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Thank You, Father, for blessing us with these two most amazing children. Thank You.

Life is Hard

2009-01-21T23:15:00.002-05:00

So many things in life just don't seem fair. I read the blog of a mother whose baby recently died in her arms soon after she was born. I know of a family that spent countless nights in the hospital with their baby boy as doctors tried to save him to no avail. A very godly friend in FL lost his wife unexpectedly a few years ago...they were inseparable. My husband trusted a Christian organization with his manuscript, yet they have not shown integrity in their business practices. Our sweet Hannah does not have her lower right leg and has additional concerns with her left ankle and foot. Sometimes things just don't seem fair.

"...He [God] remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself." 2 Timothy 2:13

Thank You, Father, for Your faithfulness.

Joy

2009-01-17T22:12:00.003-05:00

As I watched Hannah sleeping the other night (via our video monitor....I have now moved back to sleeping in my own room with my husband!!), I couldn't help but wonder if we had done the right thing for our sweet Hannah. As tears flowed, I relived every visit we had with the surgeons before her surgery trying to remember every detail. At one visit, the surgeon mentioned that Hannah could wear a prosthesis without having surgery, but it would be uncomfortable for her and she would have a higher risk of infection. She recommended continuing with the surgery as planned. Yet, being a paranoid momma, I began questioning if we had done what was best for her. She just seemed so unhappy and uncomfortable. Through my tears, I continued praying for my Hannah...praying that she would feel better and be joyful again soon.

The next evening, I began seeing the sparkle in her eye again and that little sly smile she gets a times. It is so uplifting to see her joyful heart. I praise God for His amazing kindness.

Father, Thank you for comforting this paranoid momma! Thank you for Your amazing grace and mercy.